The Hype Machine

Posted: March 11, 2011 in comedy
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Damnit, I did it again! I promised myself I wouldn’t and yet for the umpteenth time here I am. I looked at my budget, I couldn’t afford to buy any new games and yet as the hype built around the “next best thing” I fell into the trap… again.

How many titles have I bought as a direct result of getting sucked into the hype machine? “Better graphics, unexpected story twists, new weapons, zombies with lasers, improved cover system, revolutionary new bla bla bla”, I fall for it every time.

OMG the new COD BlackCraft 2: God of Gears is coming out in 219 days! Pre-Order NOW… and I get a free key ring! Whoot! What? And an oversized T-shirt? WIN!

At this stage, if I don’t immediately pre-order the game due to a rare moment of lucidity, I will sit and ferment in my ever-maddening brew of insanity. Every forum will be abuzz with “strategically” leaked details about new features, speculation as to how the story will end; and purposefully vague press releases about how this game will “revolutionise” the way we see gaming.

And if I manage to get through this stage, as we get closer and closer to the launch or “what will surely be the greatest day of mankind”, the previews and hands-on demos will appear. Magazines and gaming websites will be filled with reviews about how this game “has everything”. “It will change your life, make you happy and even do your taxes”. At this point I am either rocking myself to sleep as consolation for the fact that I haven’t bought the “biggest thing in gaming since electricity”, or I have removed myself from all media that may inadvertently remind me that my life is going to remain a soulless void, unless I have this game.

Release day… today! And guess what?

Damnit, I did it again! I promised myself I wouldn’t and for the umpteenth time here I am again. Don’t get me wrong – when I first held the game in my hands I felt an immeasurable “oneness” with the Universe. For in that moment…there was nothing but pure bliss. I tore off the plastic covering and, shaking with anticipation, inserted the game ever so cautiously into my console.

After the mind blowing opening sequence of pre-rendered awesomnicity concluded, I was left with a weird sense of “that looked awesome” and yet “that made no sense”. It is at this point that a familiar little voice piped up from deep within me – the voice of bitter disappointment.

The game is buggy; the story is contrived; the game is essentially more of the same only rushed and is over far too soon, leaving a bitter taste in the mouth and emptiness in my soul and wallet that lingers long after it should.

The hype machine takes another casualty.

I go back to the forums to see if my feelings are shared and lo and behold, the former followers are all up in arms about how “fail” this game is. At least they would be if it weren’t for the fact that details about “WarCreed 7: Uncharted Warfare” are out and if I pre-order now I get a pencil sharpener!

And so the machine grinds on…


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