The high 5

Posted: June 27, 2011 in comedy
Tags: , , , , , ,

Is there any more honest form of congratulations, affirmation or unity than the moment two open hands collide above head height? I suggest that there is not. I am talking of course about that time honoured tradition of the High Five.

The true origins of this sacred gesture are shrouded in mystery. Some sources believe it to have originated in the United States during 80’s NBA games, although more knowledgeable theologians believe that the high five is an interpretation of the moment God first touched man; a moment in time that was represented in Michelangelo’s painting of the Sistine Chapel but hidden by the Illuminati (eh, why not?) by only showing one finger touching.

Regardless of this conspiracy, the power of the High Five could not be kept secret forever and through sports and countless “90’s buddy comedies” the gesture of the Gods once again gained the popularity and reverence it deserved (in fact National High Five day occurs in the US on the 3rd Thursday of April).

Several variations exist of the original High Five which are bastardisations of the once sacred gesture, including the low five and the recently popularised fist bump. The sheer plethora of all these lesser celebratory collisions results in many awkward situations and more than a few occasions have I performed the first half of the great High Five only to be met with a mere fist pump. Disappointingly I will change to the lesser fist pump while simultaneously the other individual will foolishly try to correct his folly by attempting to upgrade to a High Five. Now instead of the glorious sound of open palm striking open palm we are left with him awkwardly holding my closed fist in the palm of his hand – sacrilege to say the least.

As much as these pretenders to the throne may dilute from the great majesty of the one true gesture, nothing has created as much pain and embarrassment than that most despised of gestures; truly the vilest bastardisations of that once holy gesture: being “left hanging” and truly Lucifer’s most heinous creation… the bail or psyche-5.

There is nothing as soul destroying or tragic than presenting the first half of the Sacred Gesture; to raise one’s hand in acknowledgement of a great feat; to congratulate another soul and to not be met with the same acknowledgment. This is the moment theologians have named “the great shame”. This shame is further exacerbated by factors such as how many people witnessed this sacrilege and whether the lack of reciprocation was intentional.

Finally, we come to the worst and foulest bastardisation of the Sacred Gesture, creature in the forges of the 9th circle of hell – the bail. What makes the bail so treacherous is two-fold; not only is it an intentional betrayal of trust, but it is introduced to children so innocently as “too slow Joe”. If you ever see a child performing the “Too slow Joe” bail, you exorcise that child immediately before he damns his soul forever and suffers the most terrible fate… he becomes the kind of douche bag that bails on someone’s high 5.

High 5’s to you all!

  1. Lafemmeroar says:

    Totally agree with your last paragraph. Bad form to bail on a high 5.

  2. Peter says:

    It is well documented in Illuminati documents stored on a Wikileaks encrypted sub-folder, (visible only to those who have the Illuminati password email me under separate cover if you want it), that Michelangelo intended to use the high-five but had to settle for a finger as the Illuminati were already patenting the high five gesture into a papal selection protocol called, “paper-rock-scissors”. This explains why you feel so deflated when your high five is met with a fist bump. Paper covers rock and you don’t get to be pope! Notice how Pope Benedict High fives from the St Peter’s balcony next time you are in Rome.

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