When I soul’d out..

Posted: July 22, 2011 in comedy
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

We see it all the time; our heroes of various theatres of life using their heroic influence to sell us products. We see sports stars selling toothpaste and actors selling health insurance. Sometimes even rock stars that made their fame through a seemingly virulent hatred for the capitalist machinery can be seen selling Soda pop and time share packages.

If you’re honest with yourself (and even if you aren’t) the truth is, it’s inevitable. We shamefully drop our heads and let loose our volleyed arrows of protest, but secretly each arrow laced with an even more potent poison than moralistic judgment… secret jealousy. Admit it. We would all do the same. Sure we could say that perhaps we wouldn’t promote or endorse a certain brand or we’d prefer to endorse another, but when the sponsors come and drive a dump truck of money up to your driveway just for saying “I like to eat Coco pops” or “Make sure you have a Dental Care plan” it’s pretty hard to say “no thanks I’d rather not use my image to influence decision making”.

Now I’m not trying to get on my moral high horse. That horse got put down many years ago. What I’m trying to say is that if I’m ever given the chance to endorse or “sell out” I’m going fire sale on that opportunity. When most celebrities “sell out” you know there’s still a bit of stock in the back, it may be badly damaged or have a few cigarette burns in the sleeve, but there’s always a little left. Not with me. It will be a complete fire sale! EVERYTHING MUST GO! You want to see sell out? Hell I’ll even sell you things I don’t own.

I’ll get a tattoo of your corporation’s logo, I’ll even get the little copyright logo to go with it. Heck I’ll change my name if the shareholders think “Gareth Woods” doesn’t appeal to the products demographic.
I’ll put adverts in the middle of my blogs. During one of my stand up sets I’ll leave space for adverts. Why should stand up comedy be the only popular “art form” not permeated with unnecessary advertisements? Aren’t we good enough for your mindless/soulless commercials?

I’ll sell anything! Defective adults’ toys? Human hair? Organic tampons? I don’t care what you put my name on. Speaking of names, I’ll even sell the naming rights to my unborn children.

You can send me to all your stupid corporate events, gala evenings and Tupperware parties, I don’t care. I’ll even pretend to be your C.E.O. to sell cell phones (if only such a position existed). You can even put advertising on my tombstone (I’m thinking life insurance, but that might be too obvious, so may be for after dinner mints “Have the Afterlife without the after taste” or condoms “Another stiff one covered by Durex”)

So to any potential sponsors out there, get the best bits before they’re all gone because like I said earlier, when I sell out there won’t be anything left. Otherwise I could, of course, keep my dignity and self respect (I wonder how much I could get for those).

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