Posts Tagged ‘dating’

Works everytime....

 

Do pick up lines even work? Even I think they’re corny, I can’t imagine what a girl thinks when some drunken fool spits a pick up line in her face.

 “Hey is your dad a baker? Cos you have nice buns!” hehehe

What exactly is hoping for? Seriously? Does he think that she’s just going to go “Oh my god! You are the greatest male specimen I have ever encountered!” “Not only do you have the debonair charm and wit of James Bond, but the way you got into that fight with the bouncer after puking on the dance floor is most invigorating. Please oh please make sweet love to me on this bar stool! And then allow me the honour of being the mother of your unborn child!”

 And if these pick up lines do actually work do any of those relationships ever last?

I can’t imagine if you had to ask your Mom and Dad how they met they would say “Well son, I had just been in a fight with a bouncer for throwing up everywhere, when I saw your mom in the shortest mini skirt I have ever seen…And the rest is history” “In fact I’m pretty sure that’s where you were conceived, you little bastard!”

 One of the things that scares me the most about dance clubs is when it gets towards the end of the night and the club starts emptying and you can smell the desperation in the air, it smells like sweat and rohypnol.

 At this time of the evening the body is just craving 24hour Steers or MacDonald’s, but you can actually hear some of the guys saying stuff like “Dammit its 3am! It’s burger time, I have to come right with something before the club closes!” at which point he is faced with a very troubling dilemma that has plagued mankind for centuries… do you go home alone, or drop your standards significantly!

chicks dig pandas

 And you can see these guys circling the dance floor like sharks looking for ANYTHING to eat, these sharks would be happy with the ass end of a leather boot let alone anything living. But this doesn’t scare me half as much as the “minga” chicks still there on the dance floor during this feeding frenzy. They’re dancing there thinking… “One of these guys might drop his standards significantly tonight and I might get lucky.” Some of the uglier ones are even hanging around the dance floor shaving their back then they whip out a Big Mac… here boys, here boys.

 I had a friend who had no problem with this, he used to say that every guy needs a “practice girl” and so even these girls served a purpose. Of course we called him the sexual janitor because of this, but he didn’t seem to mind. Heck his favourite pick up line was “you want grab some pizza and then have sex, or we can get something else if you don’t like pizza”

when in doubt...be honest

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I hate RomComs so much. One of the main reasons is they generally involve some sort of Nerd/Loser/Racial Minority that falls in “teenage love” which basically means “gets a semi” for the Prom Queen/Hot Girl/Racial Minority but can’t get with her because she’s ttoo hot or popular for him or because he lives in some sort of small hick town where its wrong to date minorities and more acceptable to play “hide the sausage” with your sister.

So nerd/loser goes up to Prom Queen, underage Hottie and she obviously tells him to get lost normally spouting whatever cool kids say these days. Then the popped collar, peroxide haired jock boyfriend beats nerd/loser to a pulp.

So then nerd/loser changes who he is to conform to what is considered cool and everyone is like “OMG” Nerd/loser is SOOOOO cool now… I’m gonna Facebook friend request him.

Instead of what would happen in real life. Check “what’s his name” that nerd/loser guy…trying to dress cool. What a poser! I’m gonna post on Twitter what a nerd/loser that guy is… “LOL”

Anyway in the movie this is the point where the hot chick starts to like him because she is genetically programmed to only want the penis of the coolest kid in school. And so now ditches popped collar peroxide jock.

And everyone lives happily after? What about jock guy? This movie ends pretty badly for him. Why do so many jocks watch these movies when they go on dates?

And the moral of the story is, if you want the hottest girl in school all you have to do is change who you are as a person and dress/act cool and she is so shallow that she will ditch her boyfriend to be with you… Brilliant!

The other thing about date movies is the ridiculous stunts nerd/loser will do to show prom queen/underage hottie that he “teenage loves” her.

He’ll do something ridiculous like burn “I love you” into her front lawn. Or send a bouquet of flowers to her house every single day for months. Or he’ll Spray paint some giant mural of something romantic…like roses, or hearts or Panda’s Doing It (chicks dig pandas)

And remember this already after she’s told him to “piss off” in whatever cool language kids these days use… “Ignore friend request” LOL

And he keeps at it with the ridiculous displays of affection. And what does your girl say to you when she sees this?

Girl: “Why don’t you do any of that kind of stuff for me?”
Me: “What vandalise property and stalk you?”

Girls are full of shit! They will say they want these displays of romance and affection. But all I ever hear from them is…Good God why won’t that creep leave me alone. I’ve told him like a thousand times to leave me alone, and he still shows up at my house every night with flowers. My dad even caught him pouring petrol on our front lawn… what a freak!