Posts Tagged ‘end of the world’

So you survived another week with your tasty brains intact and are back for more information to prepare you for the impending outbreak of Zombiesm. Well unlike the grandmother who continuously gives you socks for your birthday, I’m not here to disappoint. Today I’d like to discuss some of the more famous survival tactics we’ve seen in movies and games.

The first tactic up for discussion is the stranded on a desert island debate. You’ve just crash landed on some strange tropical island do you a) do everything to get off the island or b) do you suck it up and come to terms with the fact that you’re now living on an island paradise and your boss will have to get someone else’s life to make a living hell.

Now unfortunately, unless you’re already living on an island paradise when the zombie apocalypse occurs the real situation is a little less appealing, but then again, what did you expect from a zombie apocalypse? Whether you decide to work on being rescued or on making yourself comfortable you’re still going to need a safe house of sorts.

The whole zombie apocalypse thing really does bring a new sense to the term “home sweet home” so it’s really in your best interest to make sure it’s a place worth spending most of your time in. Zombies are not known for their engineering ability, so you want to try and put that engineering degree to good use or at the very least all that time you played with Lego as a kid to design yourself a fortress to call home.

There is a lot of debate as to whether animals are a good idea to keep around. Would a dog serve as good warning system; able to sniff out undead rotting corpses and provide protection, or would they simply end up being a loud “survivor’s are here” announcement; an appetizer to a hungry zombie and then worst of all a bloodthirsty zombified dog afterwards or “zombog” (not sure if that is the technical term, but sounds pretty good to me – copyright in process).

With regard to weapons you’re going to want to stick to anything that allows you to keep your distance because like that awkward guy in the cue with halitosis and wearing a trench coat, zombies have some serious issues with “personal space”. While guns are probably your best bet here the obvious problem becomes getting these guns because if you don’t already have a personal arsenal (read aren’t a “redneck)” then you’ll have to be making your way to a guns and ammunition store which unfortunately has risks of its own.

You see what people tend to forget during the fury and festivities that comes from the end of the world, is that some things don’t change namely the fact that the most likely animal to kill a human being is in fact a human being and an even more likely type of human being to kill is one with a lot of guns, a fear of you wanting to take these guns and the lack of any kind of punishment for killing. Not that the courts would ever hear the matter, but I have to think the “he looked like a zombie to me” defence is going to be quite a common “get out of jail free card”.

Your best bet in a zombie apocalypse is really to do you and the world a favour and try to rebuild civilisation. So get all the necessary supplies: food, water and video games and try make a turn past a strip club or two and convince the ladies there to join you because not only will you need help in repopulating the earth, they stand no risk of attracting any zombies to your location with the smell of brains.

Good luck my tasty-brained reader

Hey remember when the world ended and the rapture came? No, me neither because once again it was a false alarm. I’m not a statistician or anything but how many time has someone tried to predict the end of the world and been wrong and yet every time someone has a go they get fame, fortune and a cubic f**k-tonne of twitter followers. Heck, this last guy, Harold Camping, has already taken a shot and missed back in ’94. Seriously, his surname is Camping, as if I didn’t hate camping enough already (https://totallyawesomename.wordpress.com/2011/03/28/camping-glamorous/)

During this most recent rapture on Saturday 21 June 2011, but whose exact time kept changing depending on who you asked (eventually it was determined to be 6pm central American time – that being the centre of the universe after all) I was in the safest place imaginable, a church. I was there, not because of any worries that this was actually it and that I needed to do some last second soul insurance, but I was attending a friend’s wedding. I thought it was nice of them to not only make sure we were all safe in church, but that they would always remember their anniversary as the day the world ended.

They’ll remember the date till the next time the world ends, which has already been established to be 21 October 2011, according to Camping who said that the 21 June had been “a bad day for him” (Gees, if he had been right I think it would’ve been a bad day for most of us. There’s something about a rapture that supersedes most Mondays as “worst day ever”)

I’m thinking of selling shirts entitled “I survived Rapture’11” and I could make a whole series like band tour shirts showing all the raptures, cataclysms and doomsdays we’ve survived. Just by my recollection alone, I’ve survived about 10 raptures, 4 cataclysms, a Y2K bug and George Bush as president of America.

There have been over 242 recorded doomsday predictions and over 90 since I was born in 1984 (not that I had anything to do with it, for any of you omen hunters). It’s just interesting how many more predictions are occurring now that those who make them are getting international notoriety and book sales by doing so. It’s also crazy how many occurred in and around “the millennium” the arbitrary human date that we applied to the passing of time and that we set an arbitrary beginning to time. The Earth is billions of years old and yet its end will coincide with the passing of an insignificant milestone like 1000years that human begins decided when to start the stopwatch? Really?

Nevertheless, despite what the story about a certain lupine calling boy states, everyone continues to believe these prophets. They donate their worldly possessions, they quit their jobs and they confess to all manner of deeds under the duress of the rapture. I think someone even finally admitted that he was the one who let the dogs out. And all the while sales of REM records soured as they dominated the airwaves. I would be interested to how many had to do the post-rapture-one-night-stand walk of shame the next day.
This really was one of the most boring raptures especially according to my grandfather. According to him, back in his day you couldn’t walk two steps outside without getting eaten by a 7 headed dragon or some Communist demon playing an electric guitar.

Harold Camping, despite saying that the “real” rapture would be happening in October due to a scheduling issue with God and to boost Quarter 4 book sales, is now saying that a spiritual rapture did in fact happen as promised last Saturday 21 May. You probably just didn’t see it because you didn’t know where to look, like it was at some “too cool for school” venue that even the hipster kids didn’t know about. My only concern about if the rapture does happen and we all go to hell, is how will people living in the Free State know the difference.

Oh well, better get my “I survived the second ’11 Rapture” shirts printed, Mr Camping and REM are not the only ones who are going to make money off this racquet.