Posts Tagged ‘freaks’

Where the freaks hang out...

My previous posts about the kind of freaks I witness in nightclubs made me realise there are some really whacked out individuals that make cameo appearances in my day to day existence. One such appearance of “freak occurrence” if you will was when I was recently trying to sell some games on Gumtree.

For those of you who are unaware of the website Gumtree, it’s a community site where individuals can advertise goods or services for sale and where similarly minded individuals looking for deals contact sellers if they are interested. All a very good value adding service… in theory, but for some reason I seem to attract the most ridiculous potential buyers.

To quote the aforementioned recent example I was trying to sell some Xbox 360 and Playstation 3 games of which I had grown tired and put an advertisement up on Gumtree stating that these games were for sale at various set prices which were non-negotiable and then a short statement as to the games’ authenticity, pristine condition and that they all still include the original manuals and packaging.

The ad had not been up for 20 minutes before someone who will remain nameless…let’s just call him “illiterate retard #1” asks “what kind of condition are the games in? If “X game” is in good condition I’ll give you 50 bucks for it”. Please note the ad said that this particular game was being offered at R250. I wasn’t sure whether to this was a gag response designed to test my patience or whether “illiterate retard #1” actually couldn’t read in which case I have to commend him on his ability to use a keyboard!

I would’ve responded to “illiterate retard #1” but I distracted by our next amazing response from the one who will be referred to as “has never heard of sarcasm”. You see this guy wasn’t sure which game I was selling because there are several versions of Killzone 3? (FYI there are not… it’s the 3rd one… but not being a brain dead idiot you could’ve worked that out even if you had never heard of video games in your entire life).  So this guy wanted me to mail him a picture of the game to check it’s the right Killzone 3 and that it still has its manual etc. Since I didn’t have the game on me I said “I don’t have a photo, but I could always google a pic and mail it to you and you wouldn’t know” (in an attempt to explain how futile his request was). To which he responded “Yes please do that”. Now at this point I wasn’t sure if he didn’t realise that I was being sarcastic or if he had transitioned to the realm of Supersasm – a mythical state of being where true masters of sarcasm, even the user themselves isn’t aware they are being sarcastic – it’s like Nirvana for sullen teenagers.

But the best response came from an individual from where else but Amanzimtoti. For those who are unaware of the whereabouts of Amanzimtoti count yourself lucky. All you need to know is that it’s a fair drive South of where I stay and is basically considered “the South” as per most American stereotypes (you know, a “picking up chicks at family reunions” type of place). Well this guy managed to get past the obvious hurdle of my advertisement being written in English to respond that he was willing to by one of my games on sale for R50 at the advertised price! Surely not? Had someone actually read my ad? I thought it too good to be true and that’s because it was, for once I had confirmed that the game was still for sale and R50 was the going rate he said “cool you can drop it off in Toti on Monday”.

I responded that I was not prepared to drive to Toti for R50 (a trip which would cost about R50 in petrol, not to mention the waste of time and disease risk). To which he responded “Okay R70, but that’s my final offer”.

Suffice is to say I haven’t yet sold all my games and maybe I have missed out on a few potential sales, but at least I still have my principles and until they are eventually sold I have some very expensive beer coasters…

I'm pretty sure if I buy whatever alcohol they're selling one of them is contractually obligated to sleep with me

Next under the microsope: Promo girls

What genius thought up this vampiric marketing scheme? You can actually imagine the boardroom discussion. When are men most likely to buy things they don’t need? When they are drunk or when they think it will impress a pretty girl. So let’s combined the two by having scantily clad skanks sell alcohol to these men! Genius! Give that man a raise, in exchange for his SOUL!

Furthermore, at what point do they choose the promotional items to give away? Let’s see, we’ll need 4000 T-shirts (all size XXXXL), 4000 poorly stitched caps and a cubic f**kton of lanyards. I have so many lanyards I actually have to buy more keys. If you don’t know what a lanyard is, it’s those ropey/ribbony pieces of crap that douche bags carry their keys or wallet on and let hang out of their pockets ala “Dope on a Rope”. At some point in the past few years someone discovered that lanyards cost about 20 cents to make and they can retail for up to 50 bucks and so became the promotional item of choice for everything from beer, to cigarettes, to lanyards themselves and if you buy just 50 shots of tequila you get this classy lanyard free so all your friends know what a raging alcoholic you are.

But what is a promo girl without her “oh so classy” outfit. The fact that the outfits these girls have to wear stand out as being particularly skanky amongst the sea of skank that comprises most night clubs is really a tribute to the designers, who have removed any need to possess an imagination. I can’t decide whether these outfits are meant to be so skimpy or if these promo girls are buying their outfits on the instalment plan. I don’t drink and I have to say having a girl come up to me with her vagina hanging out is unlikely to get me to start, unless it’s supposed to make me feel sorry for her being unable to afford a complete dress and thus offer to buy her one.

One thing I will say there appears to be a direct correlation between the exclusivity of the brand and the quality of the women they employ. So while Moët and Johnny Walker appear to take some care in who they have representing their brands as all appear to be lingerie models or from the covers of fashion magazines; there are other brands that, either due to budget constraints or because they know they’re not fooling anyone (since their product is known to cause memory loss, internal bleeding and memory loss and is brewed in a bath tub) will take less rigour in choosing their brand ambassadors.

 

DO NOT MOVE! Their vision is based on movement

 

Thesy choose the kind of “girls” who look like they derive most of their income from testing experimental medicine and posing for “Before” pictures for plastic surgery and extreme weight loss programs. The kind of classy girl that it wouldn’t surprise you to find out that they’re pregnant while doing their promo work, not that that would stop them letting you buy them shots of tequila.

What scares me most when noticing how trampy and “less-attractive” these girls are, is that promo girls from all brands appear to travel in packs of at least two and in my experience, as limited as it is, there is always one who is definitely the ugly friend (here’s a tip she’s generally the one carrying the box of caps, t-shirts and lanyards) Now this is fine when we’re talking about the supermodel promo girls because then the “ugly duckling” could actually just be seen as someone attainable or in the league of “normal looking” people, but when it comes to the girls selling 2 buck Sambuca Shots the ugly girl is likely to be feral.

So next time you see Shrek and the Box Donkey limping your way do not make eye contact or you may turn into stone or even worse buy a lanyard.

I hope you’ve enjoyed the nightclub journey so far; next up… the DJ.