Posts Tagged ‘games’

Where the freaks hang out...

My previous posts about the kind of freaks I witness in nightclubs made me realise there are some really whacked out individuals that make cameo appearances in my day to day existence. One such appearance of “freak occurrence” if you will was when I was recently trying to sell some games on Gumtree.

For those of you who are unaware of the website Gumtree, it’s a community site where individuals can advertise goods or services for sale and where similarly minded individuals looking for deals contact sellers if they are interested. All a very good value adding service… in theory, but for some reason I seem to attract the most ridiculous potential buyers.

To quote the aforementioned recent example I was trying to sell some Xbox 360 and Playstation 3 games of which I had grown tired and put an advertisement up on Gumtree stating that these games were for sale at various set prices which were non-negotiable and then a short statement as to the games’ authenticity, pristine condition and that they all still include the original manuals and packaging.

The ad had not been up for 20 minutes before someone who will remain nameless…let’s just call him “illiterate retard #1” asks “what kind of condition are the games in? If “X game” is in good condition I’ll give you 50 bucks for it”. Please note the ad said that this particular game was being offered at R250. I wasn’t sure whether to this was a gag response designed to test my patience or whether “illiterate retard #1” actually couldn’t read in which case I have to commend him on his ability to use a keyboard!

I would’ve responded to “illiterate retard #1” but I distracted by our next amazing response from the one who will be referred to as “has never heard of sarcasm”. You see this guy wasn’t sure which game I was selling because there are several versions of Killzone 3? (FYI there are not… it’s the 3rd one… but not being a brain dead idiot you could’ve worked that out even if you had never heard of video games in your entire life).  So this guy wanted me to mail him a picture of the game to check it’s the right Killzone 3 and that it still has its manual etc. Since I didn’t have the game on me I said “I don’t have a photo, but I could always google a pic and mail it to you and you wouldn’t know” (in an attempt to explain how futile his request was). To which he responded “Yes please do that”. Now at this point I wasn’t sure if he didn’t realise that I was being sarcastic or if he had transitioned to the realm of Supersasm – a mythical state of being where true masters of sarcasm, even the user themselves isn’t aware they are being sarcastic – it’s like Nirvana for sullen teenagers.

But the best response came from an individual from where else but Amanzimtoti. For those who are unaware of the whereabouts of Amanzimtoti count yourself lucky. All you need to know is that it’s a fair drive South of where I stay and is basically considered “the South” as per most American stereotypes (you know, a “picking up chicks at family reunions” type of place). Well this guy managed to get past the obvious hurdle of my advertisement being written in English to respond that he was willing to by one of my games on sale for R50 at the advertised price! Surely not? Had someone actually read my ad? I thought it too good to be true and that’s because it was, for once I had confirmed that the game was still for sale and R50 was the going rate he said “cool you can drop it off in Toti on Monday”.

I responded that I was not prepared to drive to Toti for R50 (a trip which would cost about R50 in petrol, not to mention the waste of time and disease risk). To which he responded “Okay R70, but that’s my final offer”.

Suffice is to say I haven’t yet sold all my games and maybe I have missed out on a few potential sales, but at least I still have my principles and until they are eventually sold I have some very expensive beer coasters…

Kids LOVE to run

Posted: June 20, 2011 in comedy
Tags: , , , , , ,

Whoever said kids these days don’t enjoy spending time outside is a liar… a dirty, agoraphobic liar, or the Marketing Director of Sony Playstation!

Kids love to run! They LOVE it. I didn’t notice it till recently. I have a few older married friends who have children and some younger sluttier unmarried friends who have even more children and I often see them just go to open fields, parks or the beach and just unleash these little running machines.

The car literally pulls up, the doors open and tiny little humans come pouring out leaving a trail of plastic toys in their wake.

And they just keep running and running and running. I thought there must be some sort of motivation so I asked one little guy who was chasing after the other kids why he was running after them…turns out that little guy was actually a midget paedophile and was arrested soon after, but this other kid I asked why he was running, told me that “whoever comes last is a Poo Face”

I thought to myself “wow that’s pretty harsh! You better start training then kid, what kind of diet are you on? High protein shakes? Supplements?” He then held out a hand of melted smarties covered in grass and what I can only hope wasn’t dog turd.

I had to finish my conversation soon after that for risk of this young child getting a face full of shit, but also the boy’s parents were starting to stare at me…people were a bit edgy after the midget paedophile scare.

But it made me think about why kids LOVE running and why adults HATE running!

Whenever I’m driving and I see runners going past… I realise I have a really slow car. But I also notice that there are several types of runners and none of them appear to be having any fun. One type is “over-weight-time-to-turn-my-life-around fatty” who is sweating, puffing and panting and that’s just him tying his shoelaces.

Then there is super hot, ultra mega babe in the skin tight lycra bouncing up and down like a Baywatch slomo and we all know she doesn’t need to be running since she gyms 3 times a day anyway. I think she may be paid by tow truck companies to cause traffic accidents.

Then there is uber Gadget- Cyborg Terminator wannabe guy, who has more gadgets than you’d find in porn star’s bedside cabinet. His watch tells him how fast he’s going, how many calories he’s burning per second and his exact position on the planet using the Global Positioning Satellite System, (in case he’s a complete idiot). Some of the newer models even tell the time. THE FUTURE IS HERE!

But none of them look like they’re having any fun, not like kids. And that’s when I realised it; we should re-introduce games like “stuck in the mud” into modern society or my personal favourite…”kissing catches”!

Can you imagine stuck in the mud? It would be a great if you’re having a date and it’s not going so well and she wants to leave you can always go: “TAG! You’re stuck in the Mud!”

You will see people like cyborg wanna be douche bag standing in the middle of the road screaming: “quick crawl under my legs!” … let’s see your fancy watch get you out of that!

And my favourite…Kissing Catches. Although there would be some negatives, I guess. Firstly you’d have everyone running after ultra hot mega babe and you’d have gangs of ugly girls running around hoping to get caught or chasing after guys. I suppose it would be no different to going for a run in a dodgy neighbourhood and I suppose all the guys would just be chasing after super hot ultra mega babe… so I guess nothing would really have changed.

What do I care anyway, it’s not like I’ll ever go for a run.