Posts Tagged ‘job’

You can take this job and... give it to someone else!

You can take this job and… give it to someone else!

So the Pope resigned this week.

And good for him, sometimes you just have had enough of the 9-5 grind and living in a little cubicle having to drink bad coffee and take crap from a shitty boss so you just have to resign before you climb a clock tower with a sniper rifle.

Oh wait? He lived in a palace and didn’t really do anything. I blame social media. First Pope on twitter and next thing you know he’s resigned. There are only so many Bieber fans and bots offering you discount iPads you can take before you have to quit or climb a clock tower with a sniper rifle.

I just want to know how the heck he resigned. Who exactly do you give the resignation letter to?

“Dear God, you can take this job and shove it. Kind Regards – Pope… Benedict” (you can’t expect God to remember all the Popes’ names, he’s a busy guy).

What does someone do after being the Pope? You’d think he’d be a bit overqualified for most roles.

“Well you have a very impressive resume Mr Pope, but what makes you think you’d be suitable to work here at Walmart?”

Do you think he resigned to join a competitor in the market? Like all of a sudden he’s a Rabi or head of Scientology. It’s not like the Church can really counter offer.

“Look Pope, we understand things have been tough, but how about a pay increase and a promotion to Super Pope or Jesus.

In a press conference (that may or may not have actually happened) he was heard to remark.

“Look, I’m sorry Christians, I was offered a great package by the Scientologists, it’s got great medical aid, full dental and an employee share scheme. They even said I could pick my own title, I’m going with Captain Science! The job is on flexi-time so this gives me more time to spend time with my wife and kids… um I mean… spend more time with my World of Warcraft clan, I’ve got a sweet level 70 blood elf.”

“Also I want to concentrate more on my music, especially my solo career as the artist formerly known as Pope. I’ve also got a book I’m working on called “Rock Papal Scissors – how to cope when you’re Pope”

“I guess I was just tired of the same thing every day and trying to convince people of the truth about our religion. That my nose does not taste like chicken!”

Advertisements

Yeah that's great, but can you just serve me a drink rather?

Oh the nightclub bartender; what wonderful hole do these creatures crawl out from? Yes, I get that you think you are the centre of attention since without you no one will be able to get the one substance that makes being in this psychedelic hellhole tolerable, but that doesn’t mean I have to tolerate you.

My interactions with bartenders although limited are more frequent than I would like as at least standing at the bar waiting for service is a damn side better than being on the dance floor (to be addressed in a future rant, sorry I mean “well researched blog article”). Either it’s because I’d use any excuse to get off the dance floor or because I’m usually the “boyfriend” and getting the drinks is part of the job description given my ancestral predilection towards hunting and gathering. Regardless I find myself having to negotiate the frenetic transaction of ordering drinks.

In my time I have developed a few techniques for getting service which I have perfected to the point that occasionally on the rare instance have actually been known to work, sometimes. One such technique which is unashamedly stolen from watching too many rap videos is the “make it rain bitches”-technique, which involves waving your money around  in the air, in a fashion that would indicate that you “just don’t care”. Please note that it doesn’t really work when the biggest note you have is a crumpled up R10 ($1 for my international readers – if you exist)

Another technique is to try make eye contact with the bartenders; unrelenting and unblinking eye contact as if to draw them in like some sort of tractor beam. The drawback of this method is it can result in your just looking like some sort of creepy weirdo who actually believes he has some sort of telekinetic tractor beam vision as you stare down lady bartenders while they prance around the bar. What can make matters worse is when one of the more effeminate male bartenders catches you staring and thinks you’re trying to hit on him.

The one technique that works without fail… have huge breasts, which is a problem for me as I’m sure you can imagine. However, I have learnt to use this observation to my advantage. I normally just ask one of the more well-enchested ladies to buy my drinks for me, which has some rather awkward repercussions. First of all I’m normally ordering chick drinks for my girlfriend and her mates, and it is pretty damn hard to act smooth and debonair when you’re ordering a cosmo, three strawberry daiquiris and a screaming orgasm, worse still is one is invariably seen by your girlfriend talking to other women – big breasted women – who you then proceed to give money to.

So Mr or Miss Bartender… you may try to avoid me, you may get my order wrong, overcharge me for my order or spill most of my drink on the floor in an inane attempt at “flaring”. You may serve the attractive girl next to me who just arrived at the bar even though I’ve been there for 20 minutes and you can even “forget” to bring me my change, but I have to tell you it gives me great satisfaction paying for my drinks from money you so kindly left me in your tip jar.

Next up… let’s see… how about promo girls!

Tired of boring brown cardboard signs written in tired black ink? Well then enrol in our creative sign writing/graphic design course. You will be instructed by some of the best graphic design students in the world, all of whom had lost their previous jobs thanks to the internet and photoshop.

Tired of hearing the same old story about how some guy lost his job and has to look after 7 dwarves and some pale brunette? Then be sure to enrol in our world class creative sob story writing course. Learn the art of truly compelling story telling to turn you from a NoBo into a SHOW-BO!

Get private instruction from some of the best screenplay writers in the world, none of whom have managed to find employment outside of hoboism, but have contributed to Hobo Culture and representation in modern society with remakes of famous movies such as “Hobo-Cop 1-3”; “Lord of the Bins: the quest of Hobo Baggins” and everyone’s favourite Bandana wearing Sylvester Stallone Movie – HOBO starring an out of work Sly Stallone as John Hobo.

Are you an out of work Theology Major? Then don’t fear you’ll fit right in, in our newly constructed “Crazy Joe Amphitheatre” dedicated to the study of Theology, Philosophy and Drug Research. Sure it looks a pile of wet card board and newspapers and it smells like dead animals… but “why?”

Of course the sciences can’t be left out… Learn how to spot good garbage from spoiled garbage; learn to make your own brew of famous Hobo Moonshine without going blind and manage to avoid scurvy despite the intake of almost no fresh fruit or vegetables… all this and more will be taught by Dr Sanjay, a former professional surgeon who was force to retire from medicine due to all the “politics” – that and about 17 malpractice lawsuits.

We are also on the forefront of Hobo Couture, with our Hobo University Institute of Fashion. Some of work can be seen throughout the streets of Paris, Milan and New York and where the first to come up with some memorable fashion masterpieces such as the fingerless gloves, the Carguard Reflector vest and of course the full length Paedo-Coat.

Despite its outstanding academic record Hobo University is not only about studying; a vibrant social atmosphere is a big part of what makes Hobo University the leading (if only) institute for the furtherance of Hoboism.

Take part in numerous cultural societies such as Hobo Puzzle Society that corrects Sudoku and Crossword puzzles in abandoned newspapers and magazines. Or try your hand at Rodent Husbandry or Cat Racing, where only the fittest pure bred strays are picked as ingredients for the Hobo Cooking Society’s annual Hobo Chilli Cook-off – an adventure for the taste buds as much as it is for the bowels.

And if sports is your thing, then you’ll definitely want to be a part of the Hobo University Stealers, three time winners of “the drunkest team” at the Prestigious “Hobies”, Hobology Awards ceremony.

We offer all your classic sports such as Hobo-Soccer, Hobo-Golf and Hobo-Rugby and some less traditional sports such as Hobo-Hockey and Hobo-Boxing and Greco-Hobo-Wrestling.

All this and more is waiting for you…

Upon leaving high school many students struggle to pick a meaningful career and often end up selecting study routes that don’t speak to the individual’s particular strengths… (Like jocks going into careers that involve counting higher than 20 without remove their shoes) or choosing careers based purely on their ill informed preconceptions of the career (like the amount of women who go into medicine after watching Grey’s Anatomy. )

There is however, a career path that utilises a student’s core skill set; a job that requires them to be drunk during work hours (and on the cheapest booze possible); a job that requires and benefits from poor personal hygiene and a job that allows you to meet all sorts of interesting people all while catching a tan.

I’m talking of course, about a career as a hobo.

This may not seem like an obvious career choice to non-hobo’s or “nobo’s” but the future is bright and exceptionally lucrative for the career hobo (plus let’s face it; many will end up here anyway. So why not fast track your career?) Don’t be a hobophobe! Just answer the following questions and you might find you’re a hobosapien after all.

BUT WHY GET INTO A HOBOISM?

Do you HATE the thought of wearing a suit and tie every day?
Do you HATE office politics?
Do you HATE waiting in line for the toilet?
Do you HATE shaving?
Do you HATE the commute to work?
Do you HATE paying taxes?
Do you HATE being sober at work (or ever)?

Then maybe it’s time for a change? Ask yourself…

Do you LIKE the outdoors?
Do you LIKE meeting new people?
Do you LIKE eating interesting new foods?
Do you LIKE recycling?
Do you LIKE being your own boss?
Do you LIKE drinking (all the time)

Perhaps a career as a professional Hobo is the right choice for you!

Why not enrol at the prestigious HOBO UNIVERSITY, which will teach you all you need to know-bo about being a Hobo.