Posts Tagged ‘mens’

Even in another language the same rules apply

Last week as I was trying to kill time at the mall (whilst trying to avoid mauling and killing irritating children abandoned by their parents without any direction save for perhaps the direct instruction to annoy me to death – perhaps a subject for another blog), I decided to browse the local magazine stockist (read “loiter”).

As I strolled down the magazine aisles of the local stationer I couldn’t help notice how many freakin’ magazines there are in circulation. Whoever said print is a dead medium has obviously not been paying attention to magazines, because there were thousands covering every fetish, interest or fad around, from the bizarre like extreme sports and facial tattoos to everyday activities like sport, cooking and how to build your own sex-swing (what?!)

Although I can’t imagine why one would want a subscription to some of these magazines. At what point do you realise that you don’t need to follow every episode of Panda Enthusiast Weekly, when do you realise the irony of buying “Save the trees Magazine” and if you’ve signed up for a 12month subscription of “Your Pregnancy” magazine, you’re obviously doing something wrong.

As I browsed (loitered) through the magazine aisles it became quite apparent (disturbing even) that all the cover stories of all the magazines were pretty much exactly the same. Take for example a stereotypical Men’s magazine like “GQ” or “Men’s health”. There will always be a half naked guy (normally wading out of the water for some reason) and the articles will always be something like “X ways to bigger Y” (where X is a random number and Y is a random body part) or “The latest gadgets” and finally there will always be an article on “X ways to get more/better/weirder sex” (where X is a ridiculously high number – but where most of the points are duplicates).

Now women’s magazines are no different. There will normally be a slightly more clothed woman on the front but the articles will usually just be worded slightly differently. Instead of “X ways to bigger Y” body part, it’s usually X ways to shrink Y body part. Instead of the “latest gadgets” it’s the “latest fashions” and instead of the “more sex” article it’ll usually say “love” or “romance” (but will usually still say “sex”).

What was quite disturbing was the fact that even magazines like Farmer’s weekly had the same template –a half naked farmer or fully naked sheep with articles like “X amount of ways for bigger sheep”, “the latest gadgets and fashion for sheep” and how to get more/better/weirder sex or romance (with sheep).

Subscription anyone?

Ladies you're making this um "harder" than it needs to be

There has always been a level of intrigue from the male gender towards the goings on in ladies public bathrooms. We are intrigued as to why woman travel in groups to the restroom and why they are so frequently require a “powdering of their noses” (as frequently as a cocaine addict might use the same euphemistic pardon).

  As with most situations our only glimpse into the inner workings of ladies’ restrooms is through what we are told by woman, regaled by brave men who have snuck behind enemy lines and whatever the pornography industry chooses to have us believe.

 Little do we know that women are as eagerly intrigued by what happens in Men’s restrooms and so to appease my female demographic here is my account of the everyday men’s restroom and the personalities within.

 Unlike my imaginings of a female restroom, a men’s room has far less instances of conversation, potpourri or homoerotic fondling (thank you porn industry). It is a room designed purely for the functional use of relieving oneself of bodily excretions and in fact conversation is in many ways frowned upon. There is something a little odd about standing a few inches from another man and having a conversation knowing full well that you are both holding one’s exposed (and hopefully flaccid) penis – not exactly a conversational norm in any other setting.

 That doesn’t stop several distinct personality types from indentifying themselves. There is of course the philosopher who will take the opportunity of awkward silence to let you know his view on the world – the quality of this philosophical discourse is inversely proportional to the amount of alcohol consumed (as with most things) and so do be warned that most of these philosophers will be found in nightclub restrooms. Some of my favourite pearls of wisdom which have been imparted on me in the past include “you don’t really buy alcohol, you just sort of rent it…look there it goes!” or “Chicks… you can’t live with em…” (that was all).

 Thankfully the “Philosopher” isn’t really looking for conversation merely a congregation so a few “aha’s” and “amen, brother” is all you really need to reply before you slink away unharmed. Far more troublesome is the conversationalist who feels that standing a few inches with one’s penis one’s hand is the perfect time to chat about the weather, the political climate or the local sports team’s chances this year. Unfortunately one is forced to respond in these circumstances and it is at this stage one can be quite thankful for the small talk skills one develops from years of government skills, low paying jobs in the service industry and visits to elderly relatives have bestowed.

 The awkwardness of this “conversational” interaction can be exasperated by the introduction of one of my personal pet peeves of ingenuity – the blue tooth headset. You see because one is generally looking straight in front of you and not able to see the moronic little ear tumour, when the gentlemen next to you suddenly says “Hi there” you instinctively think he is talking to you and not someone on the other end of the phone. It does get a little strange I find when this individual starts doing a running commentary of what is going on at the time – but then again, weird means something a whole lot else in a men’s room.

“Yeah hi there, I’m just in the men’s room taking a piss. That beer is going straight through me.”

 Yeah, thanks for reminding me….