Posts Tagged ‘naming’

I’m as confused as you are, buddy.

As I mentioned in last week’s post there were two major concerns I have when people name things. The first was alliterative naming and the second… giving animals “Human” names!

Why people have the need to name pets after human beings is beyond me. Whatever happened to Fido or Rex or Whiskers or Rover? Why name your dog, Simon, or your cat, Arthur? You might not think it’s that big a deal. Surely, it’s the owner’s prerogative to name their pet whatever they want? Since most pet owners give their pets a human personality why not give them a correspondingly human name?

Well the problem is that like with most pet owners zero regard is given to those around them. If its not the constant barking or faeces on the lawn or public places it’s having to hear you shout at your pets.

This still might not seem like such a big deal except if the name of your dog happens to be our name. It’s pretty damn confusing to hear someone shout at you “here Gareth, here boy!” “Poppa’s got a treat for you!” I keep thinking “You are one sick bastard!”


It’s even bad when it’s not your name they’re calling. I’ve often had to hear my neighbours shouting at their pets and its sounds like they’re housing uncontrollable drunks and the mentally deranged.

“No Christopher! I’ve told you a million times not to shit in the house! Go shit outside like a good boy! Don’t make me rub your nose in it!”

“Arthur! Stop humping the cat!”

“Oscar! Don’t lick your balls in public!”

At least I can only hope that my neighbours have named their pets with human names otherwise I’m too scared to even look over the wall.



Humans have this strange urge to name things, whether it is the scientific classifications of all the flora and fauna on our planet; explorers naming countries, islands or mountains after themselves or even the naming (and renaming and re-renaming) of streets and roads.

It gets to the stage where some people will  even start naming inanimate objects because a TV is not a good enough name for a TV it has to be “Stevey the TV”. The car is “Frankie”, the Fridge is “Phil” and the toilet is “Lucy” (Get it? Lucy Loo?). I can’t really complain too much I lived in one house called “Homer” and another called “Millhouse” (big Simpsons fan – although that doesn’t explain my one apartment being called Flatrick Swayze).

The point is people like to name things and I don’t have a problem with this except for two things. The first is alliterative naming conventions. You know plenty of examples even if you’re not one hundred percent sure about what I’m saying. Normally relegated to children’s books and television characters cursed by this clumsy christening include Tommy the Tomato, Christopher the Carrot, Helga the Hippo and several other characters that I’m certain are springing back to life in your recollection.

Why are characters being bound and shackled by their name? Can a Carrot not being more than just 1/26th of the alphabet? Does he not want more? Why be cursed by the constant reminder of his Carroty-ness? There’s more to him than a name a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, just ask Robby the Rose.

I apologise if that first point made very little sense. It’s something that has irked me since I was a small child. I remember asking the omnipotent, omniscient and om-something else teacher why the characters in books always had names that sounded similar to their surnames. (What a precocious little scamp I was.) Why were humans not all named Harry or Harold or Herbert or that’s pretty much all the “H” names I can think of, oh wait, Helen!

To which she responded: “It’s because Santa Claus isn’t real and all your toys aren’t made by elves but by small Chinese children in sweat shops”.

I later found out that it was her last day working there.

More on this next time…