Posts Tagged ‘sobriety’

flogging a dead sarah jessica parker

Having given up drinking for little over two years, one thing that has certainly increased is my “friend stock”. This is a kind of valuation of your net worth to your friendship circle. Like the guy who always invites hot girls to the party or the guy who manages to get free tickets to parties and events. My “friend stock” has been at an all time high not only because of my role as witty raconteur and provider of facts miscellaneous, but now probably most tangibly as the designated driver.

No more so was my VIP status in the group endorsed than at the national Cheese and Wine festival held in Stellenbosch in the Western Cape were guests are met with as much free wine samples as they can stand (provided they can muster up the patience to pretend they are actually interested in the wine and not just on its intoxicating effect). There is also as much free cheese as you can carry provided you are able to lift it with a tooth pick.

Regardless after the festivities of cheese and fermented grape the grand exodus out of Stellenbosch occurs as it approaches 5pm and as would any savvy policeman would do there were plenty of roadblocks eager to punish those who had feasted all too heartily.

Being the designated driver and recalling my last drink to be approximately 2 years prior (a few slices of tiramisu at Christmas not withstanding) I felt I would get through any roadblocks without too much hassle.

I was of course correct, but I did notice an inordinate amount of people (I did stop counting after 3 to be honest though) were waiting to have blood tests/breathalysers etc. This was holding up several lanes of traffic and causing numerous delays.

The point, I guess, which unfortunately has taken over 300 words to get to, is that surely there are quicker ways of assessing someone’s sobriety. I’m not even talking about the obvious signs, like slurred speech, smelling of alcohol or vomiting on the dashboard as they are pulled over. I’m talking about quick tests policemen and women can conduct to save a lot of time and prevent delays to other drivers who may be hurrying to the next pub to avoid losing their “buzz”.

For one could the police officer not simply hold out any sort of rope or pole and simply say to the driver “I bet you can’t jump over this”. The ability to jump over the rope/pole is not even that important the fact that a drunken person would attempt to jump without any further coercion would prove their intoxication.

Similarly the officer could hold out a picture of Sarah Jessica Parker and ask “do you think she’s hot?” No sober man alive would answer in the affirmative. Quick drunk test completed.

Another quick drunk test would be to ask them to sing the lyrics to the Macarena (including dance moves) – a feat that is entirely impossible while sober.

Can you think of any other ways to speed up sobriety tests?


Hair of the dog... or some clever pun...leave me alone I'm hungover

So I gave up drinking on the 1st of January 2010 because I couldn’t think of any other decent new year’s resolutions and there was no way I was giving up any of my real vices. I immediately added the resolutive clause (go legal studies) that I would not drink until my Birthday, which only being the 6th of February (mark that down) didn’t seem like too much to ask…

And it wasn’t. The month of sobriety sped past like a rollerblading midget walking an energetic Great Dane. Then I didn’t have anything to drink for my Birthday, nothing for St Patrick’s Day, nor Easter (not even one of those Liqueur-filled Eggs alcoholic diabetics love so much). Next thing I knew an entire year had passed without me having a drink; it had it become a way of life.

There were obviously some distinct advantages. For one, I now new that there was such a thing as a Saturday morning (since I was 18 I thought they had  discontinued  Saturday mornings and that Saturday only started at around 2h30pm). I also found that I had lost about 10kg, which for those of you who know how skinny I am, is quite a mystery as to where exactly the weight came off – my earlobes I think.

I had more money, looked and felt healthier, was sharper on stage and best of all wasn’t finding out about stupid stuff I did the previous night based on pictures I was tagged in on facebook.

But it hasn’t been all Saturday morning breakfasts and care free breathalyser tests, there have been a few downsides and not just the obvious ones like being everyone’s designated driver.

Some of the disadvantages of being sober include the fact that now I remember everything that happened the night before even if I’d rather forget it. Girls will never look any more attractive than when I first meet them and you can’t exactly whip out the “good stuff” when it’s time to celebrate because no one wants to drink 100 year old orange juice.

There are a few things I miss about drinking. I miss being an incredible dancer or at least being able to enjoy dance music. I miss having an alibi for everything. When a drunk guy does something stupid, gross or inappropriate, it’s hilarious or “colourful”, but when a sober guy does the same he’s “being a dick”. I miss being able to eat things I couldn’t dream of stomaching sober. I miss being impervious to ridicule, judgment or pain – where the only memory of any pain was trying to recall the cause of unidentified drinking injuries in the shower the next day. Which is why I’m not surprised that my doctor recommended I actually started drinking again – not for my personal health, but for his financial health.

I’ve tried drinking non alcoholic beer so that at least I “look cool” but what’s the point of drinking non alcoholic beer that’s like getting a blow job while wearing a condom. I know its technically the same, but it’s not the same. You’d get more buzz by eating a handful of dead bees than drinking non alcoholic beer.

Regardless I remain sober but Alcohol: love it or hate it, I have to agree with Homer Simpson in saying it really is “the cause of and the solution to all life’s problems”.