Posts Tagged ‘TV’

Is that a warm front or are you just happy to see me?

This may come as a surprise to you, but I watch a lot of space movies, not because I’m a nerd or anything (I mean I AM a nerd, but that’s not the main reason). I watch them purely on a research basis (okay, that’s pretty nerdy). You see there are thousands of movies and television series about space and aliens and at least one of them must be correct in their depictions of aliens and other planets – a sort of “thousand monkeys” theory, if you will. So by knowing all the different rules at play I can increase my chance of survival.

So when we do eventually make contact with another sentient life form I’ll be able to tell which rules to follow. Are we talking the killer xenomorphs from “Aliens” or the cuddly Ewok aliens from “Star Wars” or heaven forbid the super disappointing aliens from “Contact” (worst aliens EVER) because knowing which rules to follow can mean the difference between survival and burning to death in acidic Ewok blood.

Regardless of which alien movie I’ve watched the one thing I’ve noticed to be true is that the weather and terrain on whatever strange planet you arrive on is uniform throughout the planet. You go to Hoth from Star Wars and the entire planet is frozen tundra. You go to Tatooine and its wall to wall perma-desert.  LV 426 from Aliens is an endless stormy wasteland.

Why is this? If aliens came to Earth and landed in the Himalayas they’d think the entire planet is a highly mountainous and snowy region, if they landed in the Amazon they’d think that it’s all just Jungle and monsoons and if they land in Mexico they’d think it’s all just sand and tequila.

This is why you never ever see weathermen in space movies because their jobs are completely redundant.

“Since you’re here on the Rain Forest planet expect lots of rain and jungle with brief periods of slightly less rain and jungle followed by extensive rainy jungle-ness and now sports.”

or

“Welcome ice planet Hoth news and now the weather… It’s going to be cold and now the sports”

or

“Welcome to planet Mexico weather… expect sand and tequila. Ole!”

 

I hate RomComs so much. One of the main reasons is they generally involve some sort of Nerd/Loser/Racial Minority that falls in “teenage love” which basically means “gets a semi” for the Prom Queen/Hot Girl/Racial Minority but can’t get with her because she’s ttoo hot or popular for him or because he lives in some sort of small hick town where its wrong to date minorities and more acceptable to play “hide the sausage” with your sister.

So nerd/loser goes up to Prom Queen, underage Hottie and she obviously tells him to get lost normally spouting whatever cool kids say these days. Then the popped collar, peroxide haired jock boyfriend beats nerd/loser to a pulp.

So then nerd/loser changes who he is to conform to what is considered cool and everyone is like “OMG” Nerd/loser is SOOOOO cool now… I’m gonna Facebook friend request him.

Instead of what would happen in real life. Check “what’s his name” that nerd/loser guy…trying to dress cool. What a poser! I’m gonna post on Twitter what a nerd/loser that guy is… “LOL”

Anyway in the movie this is the point where the hot chick starts to like him because she is genetically programmed to only want the penis of the coolest kid in school. And so now ditches popped collar peroxide jock.

And everyone lives happily after? What about jock guy? This movie ends pretty badly for him. Why do so many jocks watch these movies when they go on dates?

And the moral of the story is, if you want the hottest girl in school all you have to do is change who you are as a person and dress/act cool and she is so shallow that she will ditch her boyfriend to be with you… Brilliant!

The other thing about date movies is the ridiculous stunts nerd/loser will do to show prom queen/underage hottie that he “teenage loves” her.

He’ll do something ridiculous like burn “I love you” into her front lawn. Or send a bouquet of flowers to her house every single day for months. Or he’ll Spray paint some giant mural of something romantic…like roses, or hearts or Panda’s Doing It (chicks dig pandas)

And remember this already after she’s told him to “piss off” in whatever cool language kids these days use… “Ignore friend request” LOL

And he keeps at it with the ridiculous displays of affection. And what does your girl say to you when she sees this?

Girl: “Why don’t you do any of that kind of stuff for me?”
Me: “What vandalise property and stalk you?”

Girls are full of shit! They will say they want these displays of romance and affection. But all I ever hear from them is…Good God why won’t that creep leave me alone. I’ve told him like a thousand times to leave me alone, and he still shows up at my house every night with flowers. My dad even caught him pouring petrol on our front lawn… what a freak!

I’m in a relationship which means a few things… thankfully sex is on tap, but it comes with a few duties. One of which is an inordinate amount of DVD renting. If you rent a lot of DVD’s and you’re not in a relationship, then you either work for Blockbuster or Mr Video or you’re a sad loner; either way… get a life.

Now I don’t really have a problem with watching DVD’s, especially if I can’t find the movie for free on the internet or amongst my favourite car boots vendors. My problem is what movies one has to watch when you’re in a relationship. Personally I like horror movies. Movies like Aliens or Predator or basically anything where Paris Hilton gets butchered.

Now my girlfriend likes “chick flicks” (understandably I guess) and this genre can be defined by the movie being about 4 hours long, having zero nudity and… a fashion montage! Worst of all… no Paris Hilton butchering. 

When watching these movies be sure to cry at the right times, like when the hero dies or when the blind girl can’t read the love letter from the now martyred hero. Crying due to the torturous length or from laughter at the script will get you in even more trouble. Trust me

Also be sure to answer any questions that come after the movie, (and trust me they WILL), with responses like “I’d never leave you, I’ll love you forever”, “Yes love, she’s attractive, but in an ugly kind of way” or “She’s not my type”.

Thankfully most date night DVD’s aren’t chick flicks, but then again they don’t involve any vampires, aliens or Hilton mutilating either.  Most date movies fall into a genre called RomComs, or Romantic Comedies. If you thought “date movies” include “2012”, “Born on the 4th of July” or “Friday the 13th” then congratulations…you’re an idiot. One has to be very careful when picking a RomCom as many are just “chick flicks” in disguise, but on the plus side just as many RomComs are actually porno’s in disguise. Either way it’s gonna be an awkward Date Night.

Next time we discuss the formula of the worst genre of date movies… RomComs.

“Your memories of something are pretty much always better than the thing actually is in real life”. I know it’s a broad sweeping statement without any form of reference or peer review, but that doesn’t make the advice any less relevant or meaningful, like those sugar packets at coffee shops.  (Plus I added quotation marks so it seems more legit and memorable)

You see it has happened to me on more than one occasion, where I have a fond memory of a particular show, movie or game and have then managed to get a copy of said fondly-remembered audio visual “masterpiece” only to find that my memory of it far exceeds what I am actually witnessing at present.

Usually the graphics are crappy, the story telling is clichéd and don’t even get me started on the fashion and hairdos (I pray the 80’s be removed from all historic consciousness). The strange thing is that at the time you never watched and said “Wow look how terrible the special effects are!” Before CGI and animatronics we believed that puppets and claymation was the coolest thing ever.

But advances in technology aside, even the story writing back then was terrible, but I don’t remember it as such. As the fastidious and studious blogger that I am, I base this entire article and mini rant on only one TV show from my childhood that I happened to see again. (Hey, it’s not a doctoral thesis or anything).

So I might be showing my age here, but I used to love Ninja Turtles and I don’t mean the resurgence that occurred in the 2000’s I’m talking in like the early 90’s – the land of Bowl-Cut middle path hairstyles, Jim Carrey and snap bangles. Anyway, I was a fan and although I was only about 8 I thought the story telling was quite well thought out. That was until recently when I happened to see an episode of my beloved Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on one of those channels too cheap and lazy to have any shows more recent than1995.

The episode was messy and all over the place and it took the deepest sense of nostalgic forgiveness to get through it, but the final scene was so horrific I have to share it with you. Now I have to assume that most of you are familiar with the characters involved. The four masked ninja turtles, Leonardo, Raphael, Michelangelo and Donatello, Splinter their Sensei (an ninja rat) and April O’Neil the local news reporter.

Well at the end of the episode to wrap up the events of the day, April is delivering the Action News Report and summarily says “The day was saved, thanks to a special masked stranger”. At which point the four masked turtles begin to argue about who April is referring to. This goes on for about 60 seconds or so before April (still on TV) says “Actually I was talking about Splinter” and everyone laughs. Except for me!!!

So wait, let me get this straight. For 60 seconds on a National TV station, the reporter was standing in front of the still-rolling camera, silent, then knew that the turtles were arguing about who she was referring to and then she responds to the world at large saying she was talking about Splinter (leaving the rest of the viewers of this “news” report going “What the hell is a Splinter?”  Worst of all Splinter doesn’t even wear a mask!

It was at that moment that my world changed. I realised that I was one DUMB kid.

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