Screw Condoms... (well duh)
It happened… it finally happened. I have discovered a way to remove every ounce of libido from a man. I have discovered the ultimate anti-aphrodisiac able to turn even the most single minded sex crazed lunatic into a mentally castrated celibate.
I would love to tell you that these findings were after intentional experimentation resulting in a desired scientific finding, but alas this was not the case. You see, this unfortunate discovery was an accident and will forever stain my memory until the forgiving “ctrl+z” of old age or amnesia takes it away.
Enough of this unnecessary elaboration let me tell you how it all happened.
It was an ordinary day of work; ordinary in the sense that it was already 2pm and I had done almost no work. I was walking to a meeting from the canteen, having survived another fancifully named stew containing meat of species unknown. I was certain that the meeting was in the aptly named “yo-yo” room (apt in that during most meetings I felt like hanging myself from a length of rope) and so simply walked in to room (in a bit of a hurry I might add as I was a tad late).
I simply walked into the room and took a seat without realising that I had stepped into the wrong room. Instead of walking into the finance meeting I had been dreading all week I had stepped into something beyond my wildest dread filled nightmares – a baby shower and I was the only guy.
My immediate reaction was to apologise for barging in and to simply leave until I realised that this was the baby shower I had actually been invited to and had sensibly avoided RSVP’ing for.
And that is where it happened the most un-aroused I had ever been; a black hole of libido; the antithesis of horniness. I feared that somehow I had actually broken my sex drive forever. Most women will think that I’m overreacting and most men, well pray you have never experienced a baby shower otherwise you know exactly what it’s like.
As each gift was opened the shrieks of female delight tore through me like… like…um… some sort of really powerful tearing machine moving through something that is very easy to tear (NOOOOO! Even my imagination has been shattered by the horror of that day). Nappies; bibs; baby clothes; each and every gift brought out a shriek of excitement and an echo of “aaaaaaaw that’s so cute” as well as some sort of crazy gibberish including that’s so “noo-nee”.
I didn’t realise the full horrifying affect on my libido till one of the gifts was a life like looking set of plastic breasts supposedly for “dad” so that he could breast feed if mom was sore. I’m not sure whether it was the mental image of a man wearing plastic breasts to feed a baby or if someone had dropped a glass on the floor but I could’ve sworn a heard a loud crashing sound which I think may have been my last shred of sex drive shattering into a million little pieces.
I may never truly recover from what I saw that day; I could be trapped with voices screaming “oooh that’s so shnookie wookie” every time I close my eyes; I may remain a hollow listless shell for the rest of my life, but with the help of some of my friends who have prescribed a rigorous regime of watching woman’s volleyball, beer commercials and late night movies hopefully one day I will return to the man I once knew.
