Posts Tagged ‘women’

Screw Condoms... (well duh)

It happened… it finally happened. I have discovered a way to remove every ounce of libido from a man. I have discovered the ultimate anti-aphrodisiac able to turn even the most single minded sex crazed lunatic into a mentally castrated celibate.

I would love to tell you that these findings were after intentional experimentation resulting in a desired scientific finding, but alas this was not the case. You see, this unfortunate discovery was an accident and will forever stain my memory until the forgiving “ctrl+z” of old age or amnesia takes it away.

Enough of this unnecessary elaboration let me tell you how it all happened.

It was an ordinary day of work; ordinary in the sense that it was already 2pm and I had done almost no work. I was walking to a meeting from the canteen, having survived another fancifully named stew containing meat of species unknown. I was certain that the meeting was in the aptly named “yo-yo” room (apt in that during most meetings I felt like hanging myself from a length of rope) and so simply walked in to room (in a bit of a hurry I might add as I was a tad late).

I simply walked into the room and took a seat without realising that I had stepped into the wrong room. Instead of walking into the finance meeting I had been dreading all week I had stepped into something beyond my wildest dread filled nightmares – a baby shower and I was the only guy.

My immediate reaction was to apologise for barging in and to simply leave until I realised that this was the baby shower I had actually been invited to and had sensibly avoided RSVP’ing for.

And that is where it happened the most un-aroused I had ever been; a black hole of libido; the antithesis of horniness. I feared that somehow I had actually broken my sex drive forever. Most women will think that I’m overreacting and most men, well pray you have never experienced a baby shower otherwise you know exactly what it’s like.

As each gift was opened the shrieks of female delight tore through me like… like…um… some sort of really powerful tearing machine moving through something that is very easy to tear (NOOOOO! Even my imagination has been shattered by the horror of that day). Nappies; bibs; baby clothes; each and every gift brought out a shriek of excitement and an echo of “aaaaaaaw that’s so cute” as well as some sort of crazy gibberish including that’s so “noo-nee”.

I didn’t realise the full horrifying affect on my libido till one of the gifts was a life like looking set of plastic breasts supposedly for “dad” so that he could breast feed if mom was sore. I’m not sure whether it was the mental image of a man wearing plastic breasts to feed a baby or if someone had dropped a glass on the floor but I could’ve sworn a heard a loud crashing sound which I think may have been my last shred of sex drive shattering into a million little pieces.

I may never truly recover from what I saw that day; I could be trapped with voices screaming “oooh that’s so shnookie wookie” every time I close my eyes; I may remain a hollow listless shell for the rest of my life, but with the help of some of my friends who have prescribed a rigorous regime of watching woman’s volleyball, beer commercials and late night movies hopefully one day I will return to the man I once knew.

Who's scared of public speaking now?

…and freaking sharks!

There have been a large number of shark attacks off the coast of South Africa and almost like a slap in Fate’s spiteful face, my fiancée (sorry ladies) was given a “gift” of a diving session with some reef sharks no cage involved. You just float around with some chum observing sharks in a feeding frenzy which incidentally is pretty high up on my “list of place I don’t want to be”.

I’m scared of sharks and one thing I’m not scared is to admit it. I even dream (well have nightmares) about them. That’s why when people say “I hope all your dreams come true” I never know whether to thank them or slap them, thinking about being mauled by sharks dressed up as clowns (it’s a complicated dream, okay?)

Strangely though I’ve met quite a few people who are not afraid of sharks, let’s call them “idiots” for argument’s sake. They’re not scared at all! But obviously they’re scared of something; everyone is. So I asked one such “idiot” what he was scared of and his response was predictably idiotic: “attractive woman”. He said he was terrified of attractive women because he never knew what to say and became a complete idiot in front of them.

Really?! You’re scared of attractive women? Sure they can be intimidating, but when an attractive woman swims past me at the beach I don’t soil myself! If an attractive woman snuck into my swimming pool when I wasn’t looking I wouldn’t scream like a little girl and if an attractive woman asked me out for dinner I wouldn’t call the coast guard. Really?!? You’re scared of attractive women? And NOT sharks?!

A shark would tear an attractive woman to pieces! She wouldn’t stand a chance!

A shark pretty much dominates all other fears! You’re scared of clowns? A shark would eat clowns for breakfast. It would probably taste a bit funny to him (sorry, had to), but he’d do it! You scared of heights? Heights are probably the safest things in the world till sharks learn to fly or climb up stairs at which point the human race is completely f**ked.

I’ve noticed that a lot of people are scared of less tangible things like public speaking. Really?! More than sharks? A shark would totally dominate at public speaking. If a shark got up to the podium to address an audience I’m telling you it would have their undivided attention.

Some people will say other animals like a lion could beat a shark and sure lions are pretty dangerous, but thanks to movies and popular media they’re not as scary. A lot of movies portray dangerous animals as friendlier than they are, like Simba in the Lion King and this is probably why so many people are killed by Hippos because they’re always portrayed as friendly or at the very least hungry, hungry, but not sharks. Sharks are always portrayed as the menacing killing machines of nightmares (clown make up or not).
And yes a lion would probably win on the land (unfortunately where the Currie Cup was held – for now), but in the ocean a shark would tear a lion to pieces! I suppose the only fair fight would be to have them go at each other in some sort of gel-like suspension.

Where was I? Oh yeah, sharks are scary…. period.