Beware the Pizza Man

I didn’t order any pizza, but you look legit. What smells like chloroform?

So on the weekend I decided to order pizza and chill at home because, well I like pizza and it was freezing outside. Why I am justifying my decisions to you? Where were you? You seem to know an awful lot about this Pizza story for an “innocent” bystander.

*deep breath

Okay, let’s start again. I decided to order pizza from the local pizza delivery place and after the 40 minute waiting period I received a phone call from the pizza place saying the delivery boy was outside the gate because the security guard wouldn’t let him up to my place.

Now first of all what is the point of ordering a pizza delivery to avoid going out in the cold, if you still have to go out in the cold. This was particularly strange to me since I had ordered pizza the week before and the delivery boy dropped it off at my place without any issues. What? I like pizza. I went for a run the next day. Stop judging me. I was too hungry to argue with the woman on the phone so I just ran outside to the security gate to pay for my pizza, but before I walked back I asked the security guard why the pizza boy wasn’t allowed past security.

He told me the superintendent of the complex had issued a new order saying that pizza deliveries had to be collected at the front gate. When I asked why this was he said because the superintendent felt that there was a risk of these pizza boys attacking or raping one of the other tenants.

Yeah…..

Sure thing…

The 45kg, 16 year old, scooter driving pizza boy is going to attack and rape us.

These kids pretty much get fired for being more than a minute late where the hell are they supposed to fit in the time for some attacking and raping?

How are they even supposed to get into anyone’s apartment?

*knock knock*

“Who is it?”

“Pizza delivery”

“We didn’t order any pizza”

“Well can I still come in and attack you… please hurry I have to be at my next delivery in 5 minutes”

Where did the superintendent get the idea that pizza boys are violent sexual deviants unless he watches A LOT of porn?

All of a sudden the superintendent seems way creepier than before. Thanks for ruining pizza for me too, jerk.

How to Survive a Zombie Holocaust – part 1 (the rules)

Face the fact, people love zombies, not “love” in a teenager “say anything to exchange bodily fluids sort of way” more in a “love observing violent animals in zoos sort of way” (sooo cuddly!) Why is it that we are fascinated by the thought that one day the entire world will be overrun by bloodthirsty rotting corpses with the insatiable appetite for brain salad? Is it the subtle theme that we are all indeed “zombies” marching around soullessly in our meaningless corporate existence or is it just the idea of running through the streets waving a chainsaw around, carrying more ammunition than redneck on payday, while our boss gets his leg chewed off by zombie accountants?

Regardless, “Zombie culture” is as massive as “Bieber Fever” and only half as brainless. Spawning hundreds of movies, TV series and games, zombie-lore has developed several rules some of which have been modified to suit changes in societal tastes (insert remark about different recipes for Brains here) while others have remained steadfast.
So “what are the rules?” you may ask as if to gather vital information, but instead interrupting the flow of this article which I will have to use as a segue to the next paragraph (sneaky, I know). The rules are as follows…

1) Outbreaks of Zombie-ism (it’s a word now) are usually caused by some sort of virus – Sometimes unleashed by some sort of biblically prophesised verse (although I don’t remember anything in Sunday school about “Then zombies came and they did eat the brains of the living. Amen”), but usually the virus is manmade and cooked up in some laboratory by some corporation as a biological weapon or artificial sweetener, where of course, “nothing could never possibly not go wrong”.

2) While the Zombie outbreak will initially be caused by the disease/virus/military-grade artificial sweetener, the outbreak will reach epidemic proportions once the newly zombified (also a word now) members of society start chewing down on each other’s “thinky-bits” resulting in more zombies. This equates to the dumbest form of procreation that evolution has ever managed to spit out of the primordial soup where an organism whose only method of procreation is also its key source of food. Talk about not being able to have your cake and eat it… where the cake is both your only source of nourishment, as well as for fornication and the preservation of your species – but you try telling that to my nephew after I ruined his birthday party.

3) Zombies can survive pretty much anything except severe damage to their brains or having their heads separated from their bodies (it also appears to work vice versa). As satisfying as it may be to kick your zombified former boss in his nuts this will not stop him lurching towards you to suck your brains out of your skull (I call those “weekdays”). Rather shoot him in the head… then kick him in the nuts.

4) Zombies’ movement abilities are one of those rules that has changed over the course of time. Originally slow lumbering corpses with the mental capacity of soggy toast and the athletic ability of a drunk blind man wearing rollerblades made of banana skins (elaborate analogy, I know) zombies have never been too difficult to outmanoeuvre (except for a certain group of dancing zombies in Michael Jackson thriller video). However, some movies and games decided that slow moving corpses wasn’t exciting enough so instead introduces zombies as feral, bloodthirsty savages with the unnerving speed and strength of a crack addict where your skull is filled with white powder and shiny things. The need to shoot for the head with these guys becomes even more necessary as the ol’ “kick the guy in the nuts and run” technique is going to get you a bite mark shaped haircut.

These are just a few of the rules for surviving a zombie holocaust… stay tuned for more and keep those tasty brains of yours safe.