All we have to fear is fear itself…

Who's scared of public speaking now?

…and freaking sharks!

There have been a large number of shark attacks off the coast of South Africa and almost like a slap in Fate’s spiteful face, my fiancée (sorry ladies) was given a “gift” of a diving session with some reef sharks no cage involved. You just float around with some chum observing sharks in a feeding frenzy which incidentally is pretty high up on my “list of place I don’t want to be”.

I’m scared of sharks and one thing I’m not scared is to admit it. I even dream (well have nightmares) about them. That’s why when people say “I hope all your dreams come true” I never know whether to thank them or slap them, thinking about being mauled by sharks dressed up as clowns (it’s a complicated dream, okay?)

Strangely though I’ve met quite a few people who are not afraid of sharks, let’s call them “idiots” for argument’s sake. They’re not scared at all! But obviously they’re scared of something; everyone is. So I asked one such “idiot” what he was scared of and his response was predictably idiotic: “attractive woman”. He said he was terrified of attractive women because he never knew what to say and became a complete idiot in front of them.

Really?! You’re scared of attractive women? Sure they can be intimidating, but when an attractive woman swims past me at the beach I don’t soil myself! If an attractive woman snuck into my swimming pool when I wasn’t looking I wouldn’t scream like a little girl and if an attractive woman asked me out for dinner I wouldn’t call the coast guard. Really?!? You’re scared of attractive women? And NOT sharks?!

A shark would tear an attractive woman to pieces! She wouldn’t stand a chance!

A shark pretty much dominates all other fears! You’re scared of clowns? A shark would eat clowns for breakfast. It would probably taste a bit funny to him (sorry, had to), but he’d do it! You scared of heights? Heights are probably the safest things in the world till sharks learn to fly or climb up stairs at which point the human race is completely f**ked.

I’ve noticed that a lot of people are scared of less tangible things like public speaking. Really?! More than sharks? A shark would totally dominate at public speaking. If a shark got up to the podium to address an audience I’m telling you it would have their undivided attention.

Some people will say other animals like a lion could beat a shark and sure lions are pretty dangerous, but thanks to movies and popular media they’re not as scary. A lot of movies portray dangerous animals as friendlier than they are, like Simba in the Lion King and this is probably why so many people are killed by Hippos because they’re always portrayed as friendly or at the very least hungry, hungry, but not sharks. Sharks are always portrayed as the menacing killing machines of nightmares (clown make up or not).
And yes a lion would probably win on the land (unfortunately where the Currie Cup was held – for now), but in the ocean a shark would tear a lion to pieces! I suppose the only fair fight would be to have them go at each other in some sort of gel-like suspension.

Where was I? Oh yeah, sharks are scary…. period.

I hate Date Movies part 2 – RomComs

I hate RomComs so much. One of the main reasons is they generally involve some sort of Nerd/Loser/Racial Minority that falls in “teenage love” which basically means “gets a semi” for the Prom Queen/Hot Girl/Racial Minority but can’t get with her because she’s ttoo hot or popular for him or because he lives in some sort of small hick town where its wrong to date minorities and more acceptable to play “hide the sausage” with your sister.

So nerd/loser goes up to Prom Queen, underage Hottie and she obviously tells him to get lost normally spouting whatever cool kids say these days. Then the popped collar, peroxide haired jock boyfriend beats nerd/loser to a pulp.

So then nerd/loser changes who he is to conform to what is considered cool and everyone is like “OMG” Nerd/loser is SOOOOO cool now… I’m gonna Facebook friend request him.

Instead of what would happen in real life. Check “what’s his name” that nerd/loser guy…trying to dress cool. What a poser! I’m gonna post on Twitter what a nerd/loser that guy is… “LOL”

Anyway in the movie this is the point where the hot chick starts to like him because she is genetically programmed to only want the penis of the coolest kid in school. And so now ditches popped collar peroxide jock.

And everyone lives happily after? What about jock guy? This movie ends pretty badly for him. Why do so many jocks watch these movies when they go on dates?

And the moral of the story is, if you want the hottest girl in school all you have to do is change who you are as a person and dress/act cool and she is so shallow that she will ditch her boyfriend to be with you… Brilliant!

The other thing about date movies is the ridiculous stunts nerd/loser will do to show prom queen/underage hottie that he “teenage loves” her.

He’ll do something ridiculous like burn “I love you” into her front lawn. Or send a bouquet of flowers to her house every single day for months. Or he’ll Spray paint some giant mural of something romantic…like roses, or hearts or Panda’s Doing It (chicks dig pandas)

And remember this already after she’s told him to “piss off” in whatever cool language kids these days use… “Ignore friend request” LOL

And he keeps at it with the ridiculous displays of affection. And what does your girl say to you when she sees this?

Girl: “Why don’t you do any of that kind of stuff for me?”
Me: “What vandalise property and stalk you?”

Girls are full of shit! They will say they want these displays of romance and affection. But all I ever hear from them is…Good God why won’t that creep leave me alone. I’ve told him like a thousand times to leave me alone, and he still shows up at my house every night with flowers. My dad even caught him pouring petrol on our front lawn… what a freak!