Hobo University part 4 – More Hobo Varieties

Crazy Ranter
One of the more popular sects of hobo these days is the Crazy Ranter, often seen making allegations as to their immaculate birth or that the Government is trying to steal what little brain they have left.

What most NoBo’s don’t realise is that the Crazy Ranter is less often a result of foetal-alcohol syndrome, drug abuse or daytime TV and more often the result of years of Theological and Philosophical study, Speech and Drama lessons and too much microwaved food.
This variant of Hobo is one of the most outspoken of all hobo’s and is quite often mistaken for the “Religious Fanatic Hobo” or “Pastor Hobo”.

Religious Fanatic
Often seen with their “The END IS NIGH” placard or sandwich board, the religious fanatic hobo has seen recent widespread acclaim thanks to celebrities such as Mel Gibson and Tom Cruise as well as several end of the world scenarios including floods, tsunamis, earthquakes and of course Julius Malema.

As mentioned earlier the Religious Fanatic hobo is often mistaken for the Crazy Ranter Hobo, by uneducated NoBo’s, but there are several key differences not least of all the wearing of some sort of religious ceremonial robe, carrying some sort of holy book and of course requesting donations for some sort of religious charity.

Car Guard
Definitely the “in thing” at the moment in Hoboism is Car Guarding and has certainly become en vogue in the hobo fraternity in South Africa.

Clearly identified by his uniform of… well just a R20 reflector vest, most Car Guards start out as different forms of hobo, honing their begging and ambushing skills to save up the R20 to buy the reflector vest (or steal it off another car guard or trade it for drugs and alcohol).

Once the reflector vest is on, the public at large seems almost confused as to the true identity of this Hobo is Traffic Officer’s clothing and instinctively hand over money to them for the service of “watching” their car, something hobo’s have been doing for years.

Furthermore, they almost appear to be obligated to give money, often apologising if they only have a rand or so to spare for all the “hard work” and “danger” this guardian of motor vehicles has had to endure.

Most interesting is that motorists will even accept parking and motoring advice from these parking lot sentries, despite the fact that it is unlikely that they have ever driven, let alone owned a car themselves.

If you are interested in enrolling in Hobo University please send your tuition fees to the underpass below Argyle road. If, on the other hand, you don’t have what it takes to be a professional hobo… then can I ask if you could maybe spare some change?

Hobo University part 3 – Hobo Variants

Sure being a Hobo sounds like the life for me, but what type of Hobo should I be?

WHAT ARE THE DIFFERENT TYPES OF HOBOS?
The career path of the professional hobo has several exciting directions to take as there are several different types of hobo. I’ve noticed recently a lot more Hobos on the streets these days and they seem to have a lot more skills than the Hobo’s of yesteryear. The modern hobo can fall it to several different classes or genus’s of the family Hobus Humanus.

Cardboard Sign Guy
There is of course your traditional Hobo Prototype or “cardboard cut out – hobo” who usually stands at traffic intersections with a cardboard sign stating his plight. There are obviously some variations to the Cardboard sign including the humourous message like “Need money to conduct alcohol experiment in the name of science” or downright absurd like “Zombies took my job, need money for chainsaw”.

What I have noticed is the vast improvement in spelling of these signs which must be a correlation to the lack of employment opportunities for English Literature Graduates.

Musician/Dancer
The Muso/Dancer Hobo is quite an interesting variation of the common hobo as it is more often a failed music career that results in turning to Hobology rather than a decision to become a career hobo.

One of the most frequent and unresolved debates amongst Muso Hobo’s (often referred to as Buskers or MoBo’s) is whether to actually play one’s instrument well. Many are of the belief that true mastery of the instrument will result in donations out of sheer entertainment and astonishment due to the vast talent on display, while others believe that by truly butchering even the simplest songs on an out of tune, rusty instrument will result in far more money out of pity, sorrow or as a bribe to stop playing immediately.

A similar debate is taking place amongst those dancing hobo’s who are undecided as to whether dancing elegantly and rhythmically is likely to get more donations than stumbling around drunk and periodically shouting HEY MACARENA!

Hobo University Part 2 – The Curriculum

Tired of boring brown cardboard signs written in tired black ink? Well then enrol in our creative sign writing/graphic design course. You will be instructed by some of the best graphic design students in the world, all of whom had lost their previous jobs thanks to the internet and photoshop.

Tired of hearing the same old story about how some guy lost his job and has to look after 7 dwarves and some pale brunette? Then be sure to enrol in our world class creative sob story writing course. Learn the art of truly compelling story telling to turn you from a NoBo into a SHOW-BO!

Get private instruction from some of the best screenplay writers in the world, none of whom have managed to find employment outside of hoboism, but have contributed to Hobo Culture and representation in modern society with remakes of famous movies such as “Hobo-Cop 1-3”; “Lord of the Bins: the quest of Hobo Baggins” and everyone’s favourite Bandana wearing Sylvester Stallone Movie – HOBO starring an out of work Sly Stallone as John Hobo.

Are you an out of work Theology Major? Then don’t fear you’ll fit right in, in our newly constructed “Crazy Joe Amphitheatre” dedicated to the study of Theology, Philosophy and Drug Research. Sure it looks a pile of wet card board and newspapers and it smells like dead animals… but “why?”

Of course the sciences can’t be left out… Learn how to spot good garbage from spoiled garbage; learn to make your own brew of famous Hobo Moonshine without going blind and manage to avoid scurvy despite the intake of almost no fresh fruit or vegetables… all this and more will be taught by Dr Sanjay, a former professional surgeon who was force to retire from medicine due to all the “politics” – that and about 17 malpractice lawsuits.

We are also on the forefront of Hobo Couture, with our Hobo University Institute of Fashion. Some of work can be seen throughout the streets of Paris, Milan and New York and where the first to come up with some memorable fashion masterpieces such as the fingerless gloves, the Carguard Reflector vest and of course the full length Paedo-Coat.

Despite its outstanding academic record Hobo University is not only about studying; a vibrant social atmosphere is a big part of what makes Hobo University the leading (if only) institute for the furtherance of Hoboism.

Take part in numerous cultural societies such as Hobo Puzzle Society that corrects Sudoku and Crossword puzzles in abandoned newspapers and magazines. Or try your hand at Rodent Husbandry or Cat Racing, where only the fittest pure bred strays are picked as ingredients for the Hobo Cooking Society’s annual Hobo Chilli Cook-off – an adventure for the taste buds as much as it is for the bowels.

And if sports is your thing, then you’ll definitely want to be a part of the Hobo University Stealers, three time winners of “the drunkest team” at the Prestigious “Hobies”, Hobology Awards ceremony.

We offer all your classic sports such as Hobo-Soccer, Hobo-Golf and Hobo-Rugby and some less traditional sports such as Hobo-Hockey and Hobo-Boxing and Greco-Hobo-Wrestling.

All this and more is waiting for you…

Hobo University part 1

Upon leaving high school many students struggle to pick a meaningful career and often end up selecting study routes that don’t speak to the individual’s particular strengths… (Like jocks going into careers that involve counting higher than 20 without remove their shoes) or choosing careers based purely on their ill informed preconceptions of the career (like the amount of women who go into medicine after watching Grey’s Anatomy. )

There is however, a career path that utilises a student’s core skill set; a job that requires them to be drunk during work hours (and on the cheapest booze possible); a job that requires and benefits from poor personal hygiene and a job that allows you to meet all sorts of interesting people all while catching a tan.

I’m talking of course, about a career as a hobo.

This may not seem like an obvious career choice to non-hobo’s or “nobo’s” but the future is bright and exceptionally lucrative for the career hobo (plus let’s face it; many will end up here anyway. So why not fast track your career?) Don’t be a hobophobe! Just answer the following questions and you might find you’re a hobosapien after all.

BUT WHY GET INTO A HOBOISM?

Do you HATE the thought of wearing a suit and tie every day?
Do you HATE office politics?
Do you HATE waiting in line for the toilet?
Do you HATE shaving?
Do you HATE the commute to work?
Do you HATE paying taxes?
Do you HATE being sober at work (or ever)?

Then maybe it’s time for a change? Ask yourself…

Do you LIKE the outdoors?
Do you LIKE meeting new people?
Do you LIKE eating interesting new foods?
Do you LIKE recycling?
Do you LIKE being your own boss?
Do you LIKE drinking (all the time)

Perhaps a career as a professional Hobo is the right choice for you!

Why not enrol at the prestigious HOBO UNIVERSITY, which will teach you all you need to know-bo about being a Hobo.