All things bright and beautiful

bwahahaha

All animals are created equal… but some animals are more equal than others. George Orwell first alluded to the inequalities between the species in his anti-communist satire, animal farm, but even though it was a work of fiction he couldn’t have been more accurate because we do indeed treat animals differently from one another. We love some animals, we protect them, we raise them, we even invited them into our homes and others we spend millions ensuring their painful extermination.

I don’t know who does the Public Relations or PR for animals, but it seems that they’re doing a rather biased job, because some animals seem to be receiving really great PR while others aren’t. No matter what some animals do we still love them and then there are some animals that no matter what the do we can’t stand them. They could find out that snake bites cure cancer and we’d still be like aaaah! A snake! Kill it with fire! Then stab it and kill it again!

Take for example the Hippo. People love that guy. It doesn’t matter that more people get killed by hippos than crocodiles. People love Hippos and hate crocs. Especially their ugly shoes!
We all love hungry hungry hippos! We all want to give them a Chomp bar.
In fact the only thing that people hate about hippos is that stupid animated one that tries to sell you insurance by butchering 80’s pop songs.

Bees are another one… little stripy suicide bombers, killing more people every year than sharks, but everybody loves them. Busy little bees, you always see them in children’s books and kids shows (which I only watch for research not because I enjoy them). Anyway the bees are always these happy, busy little guys instead being depicted like they should be as mindless zombie terrorists brainwashed and controlled by the evil Queen.

What about mosquitos? They have terrible PR, okay that’s because mosquitos are completely evil! They can literally go straight back to hell. It’s not even the blood sucking I mind – I would quite thankfully setup an IV drip with a sign saying “Free Blood” but it’s the buzzing. Because they like to taunt you. No they won’t just bite your toe and be off. first they need to buzz past your face and whisper “I’m gonna stab you and drink your blood….
Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”. Those sadistic little psychopaths are like school yard bullies they love playing that game “stop hitting yourself”. They’ll fly past and land on your face. Waiting for you to try and seize the opportunity to squash them, but you only end up slapping yourself as you hear him fly off going “hehehehehehehe”

moo-wa-hahahaha

What I want to know is who decides which animals are evil and which are good?
Lions good; Sharks evil; Elephants good, spiders evil.
A lion would rip your face off the minute if it got the chance and what’s worse it lives where you live… on the land. Sharks on the other hand are pretty damn easy to avoid. Never go in the ocean and you’ll never be attacked by a shark well until a giant tornado picks up a bunch of sharks and transports them onto land – like that’ll ever happen!

The hypocrisy is ridiculous, take the Rhino for example, its getting poached to the point that its going extinct and everyone is going nuts about it because it has good PR, but if all of a sudden some sort of evil snake or spider goes extinct everyone is all like “Whoo hoo we did it we killed that evil creature!” You don’t see people putting plastic spider legs on their cars to support anti-spider killing initiatives.

Imagine you come home and you’ve left some cake on the kitchen counter and its now covered in ants. The whole kitchen is literally crawling with ants. What do you do? I know what you’d do, because its what any of us would do. We’d blame someone for leaving the cake out. No, besides that! We’d get out the poison and blast those little creeps to kingdom come. Now imagine for a moment, you came home and you realised that you’d left the same cake on the kitchen corner, but now instead of ants it was swarming – literally covered – in puppies! Would you still get out the poison? Of course not! You have cake and puppies! It would look like a Hallmark card come to life. You add a sign saying “SHOW SALE 50% OFF” and you’ve just created the World’s most powerful pussy-magnet.

Let’s not even start with which animals we love and others we love to eat. Aaw its lassie! How can Asians eat a dog?! They’re so cute and friendly. Aaaw look its Babe, the pig he’s so cute and DELICIOUS!!!!
Who makes the decisions? Who decides if animals are good or evil? Is there some kind of committee that decides these things?
Do they have like a checklist to determine its evilness?

bad beaver (yes I know its an otter – beaver is funnier and alliterative)

What’s this one have? Poison? Evil
What does this one do? It eats grass and turns it into steak and milkshakes. Well, I do hate mowing the lawn, so lets say “GOOD”
How many legs does it have? 1,2,3,4,5,6. Okay its good. No wait. 7, 8. 8 legs! No! Its evil BURN IT!!!! Kill it with FIRE!!!!
I think they basically decide based on Disney and Pixar movies. Are lions evil? Nah they’re good like in the lion king and Narnia? And Hyena’s? they’re evil – also from Lion king. Electric eels? Depends. Flintstones? – Good. Little Mermaid? – evil

How about this one… it can fly and swim. Hmmm possibly evil
Produces poison. – Hmmm pretty evil
Known to abandon its young. – definitely evil
Has killed more humans than any other animal. Oh my this thing is the most evil creature ever?
What is it? HUMANS!
Ironic! Lesson! Message!

So be careful before you judge an animal as good or evil. Little do we know some alien race is watching us to see who is really the most evil creature on Earth.

Aspirin will fucking kill you!

nom nom nom

I thought I’d just tell you that to make you completely paranoid. That is all, moving along…
But seriously… didn’t you ever want to become completely paranoid? I don’t know why, maybe because your life is awesome and you want to worry about how crappy life can be.
If that’s what you want, you know what you do, is actually read the little pamphlety thing that comes with most medicine I dunno ‘cause you’re a big reader, just do what you’re told. First of all the thing unfolds like a bazillion times, you think its like the size of a matchbook, but unfolds to the size of a magazine. You end up staring at it like its some sort of Playboy centrefold for Chemistry Geeks…
“oooh yeah acetyl salicylic acid you take away the pain” – That was a chemistry joke

First of all the instructions worry me, because the kind of person who needs to know the instructions on a pill is not going to be able to make it through the first paragraph.
Aspirin also known as acetylsalicylic acid C9H8O4 is a salicylate drug, often used as an analgesic to relieve minor aches and pains, as an antipyretic to reduce fever, and as an anti-inflammatory medication. They really should add an idiots description like “makes hurty ow ow go bye bye”
But where the paranoia comes in is the contraindications. Have you ever bothered reading those things? It’s like a who’s who of things that can go wrong. Here are the contraindications or side effects of Aspirin:
Aspirin is known to cause stomach ulcers, gastrointestinal bleeding, kidney disease, gout, Reye’s syndrome which causes swelling of the brain and liver, cerebral bleeding, hives, swelling and best of all … headaches.

Aspirin will FUCK YOU UP!

And this is Aspirin! Like the mildest drug on the planet. I have to take like a hundred of these to get through even the smallest headache. I’m popping em like smarties. NOM NOM NOM!
You read the side effects on something a bit more potent like Myprodol its sounds like the side effects of the Atomic bomb that landed on Hiroshima.
Impaired liver and kidney function, stomach ulceration, respiratory failure, heart failure, brain haemorrhaging and constipation and will cause you to grow arms out of your asshole!

Also expect a mild loss of appetite
They list every possible thing that has ever happened and yet not once… not ONE TIME! Have I ever seen a positive side effect. Known to increase penis length. Some super strength observed. May cause X-ray vision.

Nope! Instead we have all these warnings because all of these things actually happened to someone. Hopefully not all to the same guy. Like…
“Here take this mild painkiller and tell us how you feel in the morning. “
“My intestines are bleeding, my brain is swollen, I have hives all over and I developed gout…”
“But do you have any headaches… “
“YES!!!”
“That’s odd, we gave him the placebo.”
The contraindications are there so you can’t sue saying you didn’t know that could happen. Like you had a headache and now you have the kidneys of an 80 year old alcoholic.
“Ooooh sorry, we did say that could happen if you take aspirin. Sorry. Awkies! We have some liver medication, which may or may not give you cancer and make you impotent.”

That’s why we have some of these retarded warning labels on things, because during product testing these incidents all probably happened.
“For external use only!” — On a curling iron.
What the hell was this moron thinking, so this doohickey is for curling hair so maybe I could curl my intestines?!?!
“Do not use in shower.” — On a hair dryer.
I always hated how when you shower your hair gets wet, so this way I can keep my hair all dry while I shower.

“Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.” — On a box of rat poison.
How do you know your rat poison is probably not working… Well these rats lived for about 7 years before they developed cancer and then died. So our poison works!
“Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand.” — In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.
Suppose you’ll only make this mistake once… or twice I guess

“Do not eat if seal is missing.” — On said seal.
Okay this is just pure genius. How the hell am I supposed to know not to eat this if the seal warning me not to do so is missing. Hmmm should this orange juice be all green and blue? I’m sure its fine or there’d be some sort of warning on the bottle.

“Warning: May contain trace amounts of nuts.” — On a packet of mixed nuts.
This is the warning that scares me the most. Partly because I’m concerned at what kind of idiot doesn’t know that nuts contain… um… nuts! But probably more so because when I’m buying a 1kg bag of mixed nuts and am only assured that the pack MAY contain trace elements of nuts, I’m kinda worried I’m getting ripped off.

Lazy Monkey – The Evolution Debate

Out of all the disputes that make up the great debate between evolution and creationism, all the angst and argumentation usually centres around one core dispute and that is the origin of the human race. Creationists don’t appear to be at odds with too much about evolutionary theory except that key little assumption that man is descended from apes. You can tell them birds used to be fish or dogs used to be frogs, but don’t you dare tell them they used to be monkeys.

Whether you do believe in evolution or are wrong, there is one thing that you probably also question about the whole process and that is; if man did evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Surely if one day apes decided it was time to evolve from hairy, feces-flinging primates into less hairy, feces-speaking homo sapiens, then apes would no longer exist? Unless what we have here ladies and gentlemen is the biggest and most significant example of “failure to launch” that has ever existed.

Like the 35 year old bachelor still living in his parents’ basement, apes have procrastinated and avoided evolution to a point well beyond parental embarrassment and comparison with their peers.

You can only imagine the conversation between ape and his mother regarding his evolutionary non-activity.

“So when are you actually going to do something with your life? Have you seen what human has been up to? He’s discovered fire; invented the wheel and you haven’t even left home yet. I heard now he’s discovered electricity, can communicate instantly across the planet and is exploring outer space. What have you done?”

“I beat my previous poo throwing record. “

“Don’t you think it’s about time you left home and started evolving? “

“Gosh mom! I’ll do it this afternoon!”

“Oh no, I’m not falling for that anymore you’ve been saying that for half a million years now.”

“Don’t worry about it mom, that whole evolution thing is just a fad. You’ll see the bands gonna make it.”

“If it’s so important, how come you never evolved, Mom? “

“I wanted to, in fact I had started, I was already into my 2nd year of evolving when I met your father and had you. We couldn’t afford the fees anymore so had to drop out.”

Whenever I go back to my home town for the obligatory Wedding, Funeral or School Reunion I honestly feel like I’m going back to the monkeys. My former classmates and friends still living in the same room they had as a kid, still doing the same stuff.

“Hey man, its so good to be back. So what you been up to? “

“You know same old. I beat my previous poo throwing record.”

“That’s great! “

“My room is a tree house! “

“Good for you.”

“What you been up to? Oh nothing really. Discovered fire, built the wheel, started agriculture, been to outer space, invented the internet, not to mention the Big Mac and pizza with cheese in the crust.”

“That’s cool. You want a banana? I’m allowed to eat as many as I want… even on school nights.”

“MOM! Bring me some bananas!” “MOM!” MOOOOM!”

No thanks, not really into bananas anymore.

You’ve changed, man…

 

And you can’t argue with monkeys, they’re pretty stubborn little creatures.

“Surely you can’t still believe that gay marriage should be illegal especially in a free and democratic society where everyone should enjoy the right to be treated equal.”

“Actually God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve”

“Ok that’s a good argument, I mean a rhyming couplet using human names including 2 that are a metaphor for human creation”

“It’s not nature’s way!”

‘Well I won’t get started about a talking monkey then, but you realize that marriage is a human construction much like the car, ice cream and the Macarena. No one seems to care that they aren’t natural!”

“Marriage is for procreation!”

“What about all the married couples that can’t have children? What about the millions of children born out of wedlock? What about all the orphaned babies that are a burden on our economy that instead get adopted by gay couples?”

“OOH OOH AAAH AAH AAAAH”

At which point I need to stop the argument and run while I have feces thrown at me. At least humans are willing to have a conversation with one another without resorting to throwing poo at each other to make a point.

It’s a song about Rape

Well you can’t joke about rape in this day and age
Even now the audience is getting quite outraged
Though I haven’t made a joke as yet
I just said the word and you can bet
I’ve offended someone just by doing that…
It’s just one of those topics to avoid
Well at least if you want to still remain employed

No you can’t joke about rape even online
Just don’t say the word at all and you’ll be fine
Not even to your facebook friends
They’ll tell the world that you offended
Them and you’ll soon be suspended
And you will have to leave a big disgrace
Just stick to jokes about farting, dicks and race

Seems no one wants to say the word at all
So much for freedom of speech for one and all
You can joke about cancer, AIDS and war
About cripples, gays and so much more
There’s a world of offensive topics to explore
But a rape joke sends folks into a fever
And it seems you can’t paint Zuma’s genitalia either

There’s something quite wrong with the world today
Where we think by not speaking things will go away
The rape problem’s bad but no need to fret your
Pretty little face it will get better
If we just get these jokers’ resignation letters
Then we can get back to the most import cause by far
Saving rhinos by putting red horns on all our cars

I hope you guys understand the irony
About this song that questions our society
Though I say the word “rape” this is not a rape joke
So please don’t turn me into your next scape goat
I just felt this was the only way to say
That rape is wrong – but censorship’s NOT OKAY!

I Quit! Pope Style

You can take this job and… give it to someone else!

So the Pope resigned this week.

And good for him, sometimes you just have had enough of the 9-5 grind and living in a little cubicle having to drink bad coffee and take crap from a shitty boss so you just have to resign before you climb a clock tower with a sniper rifle.

Oh wait? He lived in a palace and didn’t really do anything. I blame social media. First Pope on twitter and next thing you know he’s resigned. There are only so many Bieber fans and bots offering you discount iPads you can take before you have to quit or climb a clock tower with a sniper rifle.

I just want to know how the heck he resigned. Who exactly do you give the resignation letter to?

“Dear God, you can take this job and shove it. Kind Regards – Pope… Benedict” (you can’t expect God to remember all the Popes’ names, he’s a busy guy).

What does someone do after being the Pope? You’d think he’d be a bit overqualified for most roles.

“Well you have a very impressive resume Mr Pope, but what makes you think you’d be suitable to work here at Walmart?”

Do you think he resigned to join a competitor in the market? Like all of a sudden he’s a Rabi or head of Scientology. It’s not like the Church can really counter offer.

“Look Pope, we understand things have been tough, but how about a pay increase and a promotion to Super Pope or Jesus.

In a press conference (that may or may not have actually happened) he was heard to remark.

“Look, I’m sorry Christians, I was offered a great package by the Scientologists, it’s got great medical aid, full dental and an employee share scheme. They even said I could pick my own title, I’m going with Captain Science! The job is on flexi-time so this gives me more time to spend time with my wife and kids… um I mean… spend more time with my World of Warcraft clan, I’ve got a sweet level 70 blood elf.”

“Also I want to concentrate more on my music, especially my solo career as the artist formerly known as Pope. I’ve also got a book I’m working on called “Rock Papal Scissors – how to cope when you’re Pope”

“I guess I was just tired of the same thing every day and trying to convince people of the truth about our religion. That my nose does not taste like chicken!”

Disciplining your Children

Why you child rack a disciprine?

I’m getting to the stage where I’m thinking about possibly maybe having the inclination towards perhaps entertaining an idea of considering having kids, but the one thing that freaks me out about having children (besides the no sleep and changing nappies, of course) is the discipline issue.

I’m worried because disciplining children doesn’t seem to be as easy as it used to be. It used to be that if your kid even so much as looked at you funny and he was on his way to the small town of Assbeaton, population 1. It really was a golden age of corporal punishment and we thought it would never end. We thought as kids ourselves that although we might not be able to in act revenge against our parents and teachers that at least we would get even on the backsides of the next generation. I know what you’re thinking “dream parent”, right?

But now there’s no corporal punishment in schools and it’s frowned upon in most homes. I don’t see what’s so bad about it. It very quickly taught me to be scared of those bigger than me and that I could physically dominate anyone weaker than me that didn’t listen to me. The system works!

I used to get hidings all the way till I was about 13 when I made the mistake of laughing while my mother tried to give me a hiding. “Ooh nooo the pain! Oooooh nooooooo the agony!” That’s when we stopped getting hidings and the psychological punishment began removing privileges like a week of no Television or a week without being allowed outside or a week without food or water.

Now you have to negotiate with your kids and try to make them understand why they are being punished and I honestly cannot believe some of the disciplinary methods I hear about these days.

Like freaking hippy / free spirits that say “We don’t like using the word NO so we don’t”. So when little Jimmy is drawing on the walls we know he’s just trying to express himself and we shouldn’t stop him from doing that.”

What about when you need to discipline him?

“We like to let him decide on his own punishment that way he will choose a punishment that fits the crime”

For example?

“Well a few weeks ago we found him ripping up the plants in our marijua…I mean herb garden and so we asked him to punish himself” He had such bad munchies that he decided his punishment was to eat as much chocolate as he could.

Really? And that’s “punishment”?

“He was so sick the entire night. He was puking all over the house and I’m sure as he saw his mom and I on our hands and knees cleaning up all his chocolatey vomit he felt really bad. Which is why last week when he was ripping up the marijua… um Basil leaves again he didn’t eat as much chocolate as last time.”

I also don’t understand people that use the “naughty stool/time out/send you to your room” method

“Whenever little Billy misbehaves we just send him to his room because that sort of simulates what it’s like in the real world when criminals are sent to prison.”

Rrrrrrrright. Because in prison every cell has a Playstation 3, stacks of toys and a Spiderman bed spread.

Sorry but little Billy’s room is nothing like prison. First of all there’s no toilet in the corner of his room, there aren’t bars on the windows and in prison they don’t call you out of your cell after 30mins for pizza to chat about what you did.

If you want him to really feel what it’s like to be in prison, the least you could do would to get him a roommate called “Bubba” or “Stabby”.

Teach him to join a gang, carve a shank out of a toothbrush and smuggle cigarettes in his ass.

Maybe if that TV series “Prison Break” is anything to guy by you should tattoo the blueprints of the prison on his back.

But if you really want your child to know what it’s like in a South African prison and how to survive teach him to fake being sick

Why there are no weatherman on other planets

Is that a warm front or are you just happy to see me?

This may come as a surprise to you, but I watch a lot of space movies, not because I’m a nerd or anything (I mean I AM a nerd, but that’s not the main reason). I watch them purely on a research basis (okay, that’s pretty nerdy). You see there are thousands of movies and television series about space and aliens and at least one of them must be correct in their depictions of aliens and other planets – a sort of “thousand monkeys” theory, if you will. So by knowing all the different rules at play I can increase my chance of survival.

So when we do eventually make contact with another sentient life form I’ll be able to tell which rules to follow. Are we talking the killer xenomorphs from “Aliens” or the cuddly Ewok aliens from “Star Wars” or heaven forbid the super disappointing aliens from “Contact” (worst aliens EVER) because knowing which rules to follow can mean the difference between survival and burning to death in acidic Ewok blood.

Regardless of which alien movie I’ve watched the one thing I’ve noticed to be true is that the weather and terrain on whatever strange planet you arrive on is uniform throughout the planet. You go to Hoth from Star Wars and the entire planet is frozen tundra. You go to Tatooine and its wall to wall perma-desert.  LV 426 from Aliens is an endless stormy wasteland.

Why is this? If aliens came to Earth and landed in the Himalayas they’d think the entire planet is a highly mountainous and snowy region, if they landed in the Amazon they’d think that it’s all just Jungle and monsoons and if they land in Mexico they’d think it’s all just sand and tequila.

This is why you never ever see weathermen in space movies because their jobs are completely redundant.

“Since you’re here on the Rain Forest planet expect lots of rain and jungle with brief periods of slightly less rain and jungle followed by extensive rainy jungle-ness and now sports.”

or

“Welcome ice planet Hoth news and now the weather… It’s going to be cold and now the sports”

or

“Welcome to planet Mexico weather… expect sand and tequila. Ole!”

 

Beware the Pizza Man

I didn’t order any pizza, but you look legit. What smells like chloroform?

So on the weekend I decided to order pizza and chill at home because, well I like pizza and it was freezing outside. Why I am justifying my decisions to you? Where were you? You seem to know an awful lot about this Pizza story for an “innocent” bystander.

*deep breath

Okay, let’s start again. I decided to order pizza from the local pizza delivery place and after the 40 minute waiting period I received a phone call from the pizza place saying the delivery boy was outside the gate because the security guard wouldn’t let him up to my place.

Now first of all what is the point of ordering a pizza delivery to avoid going out in the cold, if you still have to go out in the cold. This was particularly strange to me since I had ordered pizza the week before and the delivery boy dropped it off at my place without any issues. What? I like pizza. I went for a run the next day. Stop judging me. I was too hungry to argue with the woman on the phone so I just ran outside to the security gate to pay for my pizza, but before I walked back I asked the security guard why the pizza boy wasn’t allowed past security.

He told me the superintendent of the complex had issued a new order saying that pizza deliveries had to be collected at the front gate. When I asked why this was he said because the superintendent felt that there was a risk of these pizza boys attacking or raping one of the other tenants.

Yeah…..

Sure thing…

The 45kg, 16 year old, scooter driving pizza boy is going to attack and rape us.

These kids pretty much get fired for being more than a minute late where the hell are they supposed to fit in the time for some attacking and raping?

How are they even supposed to get into anyone’s apartment?

*knock knock*

“Who is it?”

“Pizza delivery”

“We didn’t order any pizza”

“Well can I still come in and attack you… please hurry I have to be at my next delivery in 5 minutes”

Where did the superintendent get the idea that pizza boys are violent sexual deviants unless he watches A LOT of porn?

All of a sudden the superintendent seems way creepier than before. Thanks for ruining pizza for me too, jerk.

Life’s unfair… get over it (or why everyone else is wrong except me)

Shut up, you smart ass raptor. If you’re so smart why are you extinct? #evolutionburn

Sound advice, I suppose. Until something unfair actually happens to you. This was the advice I was given when I witnessed the worse kind of discrimination in the world… the type that is against me.

I had seen an advertisement for a local comedy competition and being that I was a local comedian, thought I should enter. The competition was held in a dodgy little meeting room in a paint-by-numbers hotel.

The competition seemed fairly well run with the rules being read out, the contestants and judges introduced and the criteria for assessment explained in full. The criteria included content, crowd interaction, originality, body language and use of the floor (as in the space provided – not actual use of the floor in which case levitation would be an immediate disqualification)

The contestants then drew numbers (luckily I had been attending art classes so my drawing skills were pretty good), but regrettably I drew “number 1” which meant I was up first. Once my name was called I stepped up to the stage and performed my 7 minute routine which, at least by my own admission, was stellar.

My confidence was further buoyed by the fact that the next 3 contestants were terrible. Unfunny; nervous; reading off sheets of paper; it was terrible, like watching surgery on a train wreck. So I felt that I had the contest in the bag although there was a bit of apprehension when I saw a bit of “procedural irregularities” occurring during the contest which I will mention after the result which I’m sure you’ve already guessed.

So the winners are announced and for some strange reason they said I was in second. I asked the person next to me if I had heard correctly and then started looking around for hidden cameras because this had to be one of those candid camera reality shows. Alas, nothing.

Now I’ve lost many comedy competitions in my life. I’ll chalk it down to being so ahead of my time that my comedy isn’t understood by most (when in all likelihood I’m just not that funny), but to lose when there was such damningly ridiculous bias made me want to spit.

Allow me to elaborate on those procedural irregularities. The individual who won not only was terrible, her “original” material was to quote the several types of personalities on facebook. I say “quote” as to give her the benefit of the doubt that she was going to give credit to the original authors of the material, but she probably just did that silently afterwards. That’s not even the problem because to get into what is original these days is so subjective that we’d be here for another 10000 pages and still have no resolution.

What was objectively unfair was the fact that one of the judges was her husband.

What made matters worse was… HE WAS BLIND!

Now I’m all for comedy being for everyone and that the disabled should be included, but at what point does it become patently ridiculous to be judged on criteria such as “use of the floor” and “body language” by a blind man?

It gets better… because he couldn’t see what scores he was writing, he would simply tell his wife (the contestant that won) what score to write down.

“Give Gareth a 72%” (she writes 52%)

“Give yourself a 75% (she writes 105%)

The cherry on top was that she read her entire routine… NOT THAT HER HUSBAND THE JUDGE WOULD’VE KNOWN!!!!

AAAAAAARGH!!!!!

Life’s not fair… get over it… well I’m tired of “getting over it”

Allergies vs Immunities

Allergies are probably the weirdest thing evolution has thrown our way since the duckbilled platypus, the flying fox and Keeping up with the Kardashians. How is it that a full grown man able to lift 3 times his body weight can be laid low by a single peanut?

Allergic reactions are so intense sometimes that they have to put warnings on everything to avoid getting sued – “WARNING this Car was made in a factory where someone once ate a peanut butter sandwich. I was shocked to find a warning on a bag of mixed nuts that said “WARNING this product may contain traces of nuts”. Part of me was upset that the manufacturers doubted my intelligence enough that they felt they needed to warn me that my bag of mixed nuts may contain traces of nuts, but then I was more upset that I just paid 10 bucks for a bag of nuts that only “may” contain “traces” of nuts – what a rip off!

And people seem to be allergic to anything, peanuts, dairy, hard work, seafood, alcohol, relationships. It appears anything can be a source of an allergic reaction and you can’t tell this about someone just by looking at them.

Yet one lowly peanut can have a muscle bound freak shaking and convulsing like an epileptic in a strobe factory I can eat them by the fistful. It really is like the whole Superman story where an innocuous green crystal that ordinarily would have no purpose other than as a paperweight for hippies would be able to cripple the man of steel.

But to make up for this incredible weakness, Superman has all these incredible powers (that seem to increase every time the writers run out of ideas). Super strength; super speed; the ability to fly; X-ray vision, laser vision, frost breath and all for the slight disadvantage of becoming incredibly frail when exposed to a  rock (that doesn’t exist naturally anywhere on Earth). Seems like a good deal.

Now the point is (and sorry it has taken almost 400 words to get to it), that I think it would be far more fair if for every allergy one had, one received an equally potent immunity. So if you are allergic to peanuts then maybe you’re immune to cashews – okay that’s a bad example.

Say you share my allergy to bullets then maybe you can be immune to explosions… okay now we’re getting somewhere.

Allergic to onions? Then maybe you’re immune to alcohol – great for drinking contests or sobriety tests.

Allergic to hard work? Well then maybe you’re immune to criticism.

Or say that you are allergic to telling the truth, can’t stop yourself from fraudulently misappropriating taxpayer money, sexually harassing young interns and taking bribes from organised crime?

Well then maybe you get diplomatic immunity…